October 15, 2023 – Shifting Body and Mind

Even with this weekly blog post, I have pivoted (i.e., overdue on writing my weekly blog and now it’s 1:51 am… I’ve just plowed through my emails, why not take a moment to catch up on my blogging). Pivoting is not just adapting to the situation in terms of shifting times or doing something different, but sometimes it’s about shifting your mindset. My class witnesses me pivot (often) with my teaching. Sometimes I adapt because we are taking more time than expected. Sometimes I change what we are learning in terms of sequence or approach. Other times, like last week, had to cancel my class and go asynchronous because I was out of town.

I am grateful that my class is pivoting with me and I hope I am modelling adaptive expertise. In class, I often speak of “Christine 1” who is “teacher Christine” and of “Christine 2” who is “Christine’s inner thoughts.” Sometimes “Christine 3” shows up unexpectedly who is “Christine on a soap box.” I have a few things that I am passionate about in education and sometimes it does get the best of me. In a way, I guess that I am also pivoting in these three mindsets, for example, in my class to reveal the front-stage of teaching, the back-stage of teaching, and my values. I will say, I am enjoying this year’s cohorts and teaching the combined group. It’s fun!!!

As mentioned, last week I went out of town to Brandon, MB to Brandon University to attend the 2023 Canadian Association for Teacher Education (CATE) Working Conference. The few days were filled with collaborative approaches and informative sessions to provide feedback on our writing about teacher leadership. When you receive formative feedback, you are pivoting… to consider new ideas, different thoughts and theories, and different authors to support your writing (or change it). I appreciated TEAM LIGHT GREEN. It was a diverse group but they had contributed a lot of great ideas and I hope I provided some for them as well.

I travelled to Brandon with my colleague to this event and together we toured the city. We visited the tourist bureau, the river, the buffalo jump, cemetery, and local cafe and shop. I bought a purse/bag and a pair of handmade moccasins. It was a good trip. I learned a lot and wished that higher education could be like this all of the time. I met some wonderful people whom I hope I stay in touch with or see again. On my way home, my kid called me at the airport. She screamed. Her car was vandalized. It was horrible. I could not do anything. Luckily, she called her friend and she helped along with her dad. I am so grateful for that along with a couple of other people who helped to move the car to the auto body shop.

Pivoting.

My spirit quickly shifted from joy to frustration. The mama-bear in me wanted to not do nice things to the people who were so cruel and malicious to do such a hateful and selfish act. I can attribute this horrible act to desperate times, but my kid did not have to be a victim or traumatized due to someone else’s greed. To top it off, my third flight out of three to return back home was delayed. I guess for a good reason. The de-icer was not working so we changed planes. Safety first. I was glad to make it home to see my kid and I am thankful to her friend who lent her car to my kid so that she could pick me up from the airport. Damn. My kid is strong.

My first instinct was to buy a place with a two-car garage. With a good night’s sleep, that thought shifted into reality. A long story made short, it was confirmed that my position at the university would not be permanent. In many ways I knew that (and my friends had also said that), but to have it verified brings a sense of calm knowing that my trajectory is heading elsewhere and to prepare for it. So, I’m not buy a place with a 2-car garage, but I will do my best to do the best I can do each day. Sometimes my best will vary from day to day, but I am trying my best. Admittedly, it’s another pivot and this redirection focuses on what’s best for me.

I am left with a reflective state of mind… hence the weekly blog. And it also comes from inspiration, meaning I was suppose to write this blog post at this very time. I am proud of what I have accomplished and that’s all that matters. I will continue to learn, connect with others, and have fun. I am driven to be happy and experience joy. I love the work that I do and the status, rank, or promotion is secondary. I hope my classes are enjoying the work that I am doing. It’s not perfect, but it is not meant to be perfect. It’s suppose to be messy and meandering. Pivoting is a way of being to ensure that I am nimble and reflexive to advance in the right direction.

October 8, 2023 – Gaining Perspective

What an incredible day!!! What an incredible week!!! What an incredible life!!

Sounds like I’m feeling INCREDIBLE… and I am. It’s nothing special or spectacular to make note of, but it’s the ordinary that I am celebrating. I am so grateful for the last week. I am approaching the end of my birthday week and I have nothing but gratitude. I just came back from a 2.5 hour session this afternoon and I have the clarity, courage, and will to move forward with my life and career. I am happy.

My kid started my birthday month a big birthday brunch at White Spot after we spent a few moments recognizing the National Day of Truth and Reconciliation downtown. The next day, my kid brought home my favourite meal from the Keg after work for me… fillet mignon, garlic mashed potatoes, asparagus, and wedge salad. Dang. The best!!! This birthday meal lasted me 4-days. It was so delicious.

My birthday was Monday and we had classes at the university (because we took the statutory holiday on the Friday). I had a class Monday afternoon and I am so grateful for my colleague who was able to join my class to facilitate the blanket exercise. Apparently, I’m a “mild” European in the role play, which makes sense. I felt like I was trying to make sense of what I was doing. I’m glad it worked out.

My kid made my class cupcakes to celebrate my birthday, which I brought out during the break, but my class in turn surprised me with a card and birthday present. They got word that I am a Squishmellow fan (from one of my kid’s friends) and searched high and low for “Cam, the cat vampire” to no avail. So they ordered one from Amazon. I got this little Cam during Thursdays class. It made my day!!

The work week is incredibly busy. I have night classes on Tuesday and Wednesday. The work week ends with my Thursday morning class and the rest of my time is spent catching up, getting organized (i.e., catching up on emails) and slowing down. On Friday, one my friends underwent major surgery and I am so grateful that the operation was successful. My friend is now recovering. I am hoping for the best.

Friday concludes with a walk with another friend, a gorgeous fall day (see image above), and dinner out. We always have good conversations and she bought my dinner (for my birthday). The salmon was delicious. The next day, I went out for lunch with another friend. We pivoted and we brought our kids. Mine is 20 and hers is 3. LOL. We had a great conversation and my friend bought my lunch too.

That said, she had no idea that it was my birthday, but I must have been giving out birthday-vibes. My kid went to a local play with me, then makes dinner for us. Instead of a turkey, we had chicken with all if the fixings. It was an amazing meal. I spent the evening washing dishes and cleaning up here and there. I love taking my Saturdays to ground myself, to rest, and just be a person. This is a staple for me.

And here we are… one week later. I am reminded about “being human.” Life has ups and downs. The goal is to know who I am, what I value, and what’s important to me. There will always be unexpected moments, but I have the strength and capacity to PIVOT, adapt, and stay the course. I can’t protect myself from danger but I can find the courage to move forward and try. Yes!! I am always learning.

September 18, 2023 – SD57 Keynote Speaker

School District No. 57 (Prince George) was hosting the Indigenous Day of Learning on Monday, September 18, 2023 and my EDUC 405 class was at the same time as the keynote presentation. I may have been a bit of serendipity, but I wanted the class to watch the keynote. Although the keynote speaker, Dr. studentThis day was a non-instructional day and teacher candidates have the opportunity to participate. The keynote presentation was during my class time and I opted to have the EDUC 405 class and the keynote speaker, Dr. Niigaanwewidam James Sinclair, was speaking in-person at the hight school theatre, it was also available with online access via Zoom. At first, I wanted the students to come to the university, but then reconsidered and provided the class with choice. They could watch the keynote presentation in-person, online at home, or online in class. Of course, I assigned this keynote presentation as a blog entry for their portfolio.

I went to the university to provide space and place for students who wanted to come to class to watch the keynote presentation. A handful of students showed up in class and we amicably watched the keynote online. All I can say is, WOW. Niigaan was an amazing speaker. He is of mixed ancestry and he was able to eloquently balance two-eyed seeing to help us to understand the importance of truth and reconciliation. He started with describing his experience as a new teacher, the assignment to teach drama and coordinate the BIG school play, and how he had to collaborate with the local community to understand their culture and not appropriate the contents of the play. I loved the story and the eloquence of his storytelling. With this story and through the enlightenment from the students to do it right versus re-enacting the singing and dancing from the movie. The story was the invitation to his big message, if he can do it, we can do it too.

After this story, I took copious notes. He spoke about Indigenous Education and asked, “how do we do it now?” The then speaks about a tradition with young males and the making of fire. He started to describe that making the fire was not just about igniting the fire, but also building it, then maintaining it. It’s not just about the fire. I’ve used this metaphor a few times in my classes since. It was amazing and applicable to many situations, particularly in education. Then he asks, “how do we make a fire?” Such a good question. He then introduces the outline to his curriculum for Indigenous Education. It was a series of questions: (1) Who am I?
(2) Why am I here? (3) Who can help me? (4) Where am I going? This learning framework require healthy and sustainable relationships. It’s holistic and a lifelong process. The learning is formal and informal. He then goes to another metaphor of the tree and the impossibility to learn about Indigenous Education without understanding the roots of the tree. Niigaan speaks truth. I’m listening.

He also mentions a tradition with young women as well and the importance of community. Niigaan says that Indigenous Voices Matter in any subject area. He even attempted to provide a formula for success, not just success in schools, per se, but success for all students. He reminded us of the 4R’s of RESPONSIBILITY, RESPECT, RELEVANCE, and RELATIONSHIPS. I was so inspired by this keynote presentation. The way that Niigaan was able to interweave the western world’s way of being to what is really needed to address Indigenous Education in the classroom by wooing us with a story and concluding his message with the truth. For me, the building the fire story helped me to understand that it’s not just about starting the fire with a spark. There is work involved. Time and effort are needed. And the 4 questions provide a framework for curriculum. Regrettably, I was unable to attend his afternoon workshop that delves deeper into this curriculum, but I feel that my fire has started and it has been stoked. Let’s keep it burning.

September 29, 2023 – Acceptance

Oh my… like I always say… “everyday is a learning day.” Yesterday was no exception. This image is of my EDUC 394 class and we held our class at the Ceremonial Fire Circle with guest speaker Clayton Gauthier followed by the UHNBC Drummers. We just finished looking at the SD57 Special Report, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission Calls to Action in Education, and First Peoples Principles of Learning last week and this week we recognized National Truth and Reconciliation Day.

Although I had felt that I had organized what I needed to do for this fire circle, I did spend some time to ensure that the day would proceed in a good way. I got the moral and financial support from my program chair, I established permission from the Office of Indigenous Initiatives to use the Ceremonial Fire Circle yesterday, and I managed to book the fire circle and firewood despite my lack of timliness.

I feel very lucky.

I also feel very fortunate that both Clayton Gauthier and the UHNBC drummers were able to spend part of the morning with my class to share their story, drum, and sing songs. Students volunteered to build the fire and give gifts to our guests. Moreover, I collaborated with the Admin Assistant to ensure we had gifts to give for this special event. For that, I am also very grateful. I could not do this alone.

What I did not anticipate were the details and the unexpected. I woke up that morning with emails to address and a bus to catch (I still don’t have a car to drive since my accident). Emails always take longer than I think it would take to compose so I rushed out of my apartment with my coffee to catch the bus. Damn. It’s raining. I had time to have breakfast and definitely no time get an umbrella.

I got to the bus stop in time, but there was no bus. I thought the bus was delayed, but no… the bus schedule had changed. Huh. No worries, I’ll just write the cohorts that I will be a bit late to set up the fire and I will be there soon. I sent the email when I got on the bus, but the email immediately bounced back to let me know I had no access to the cohort email addresses. What could I do? Just let it go.

I finally arrived.

The bus arrived at the university and I shuffled quickly to the morning’s meeting place. I was about 10 minutes late and it was still raining. Anyway, the fire building crew were ready to go as well as other students in the class. The fire crew took the cart to build the fire and the students all arrived as well as the first guest speaker. I wanted to stay outside and thankfully the guest speaker wanted to be by the fire.

We gathered closely around the fire and Clayton spoke about understanding self, loving oneself, and accepting oneself. He said that we can’t give our power away. Things like worry, doubt, and judgement takes our power away. Once again, I felt like he was talking to me about. I was giving my power away as I thought that the day was not going the way I had planned. It was tough to let things go and allow.

I felt the whole morning was about surrender, but now I realized that it’s more about acceptance. The gift cards were not brought to the circle in time and I did not have the honorariums ready for that day. We ended earlier than expected and students went inside as we waited for the UHNBC Drummers to arrive. I was thankful to some indoor time for the class. I was feeling a bit sad about the rain.

The drummers arrived.

We took a group photo with the drummers and Clayton. I felt that was a good moment and the rain was lightening up. I was also grateful that the students returned and some other people joined the circle. Although the lead drummer was not able to join us, the folks did an excellent job leading the class through a handful of songs. I was grateful that they demonstrated learning and leading to the class.

In the end, as much as the details and weather were out of my control, the morning resulted exactly the way it should. The only person getting in the way of my plans was me. I had expectations, vision, and experience that was somewhat misaligned with what actually happened. The best moment for me was knowing that the students were grateful for the morning and found it powerful and memorable.

I listened to a podcast this morning with Dr. Gabor Maté on Arm Chair Expert promoting his new book. I am so enamoured by Gabor and his work aligning the body, mind, and spirit. He spoke about trauma and how our actions are guided by past experiences and of ones that are intergenerational. Part of his book was the “4 As” and one of them being ACCEPTANCE. I get that. This was my lesson.

September 24, 2023 – Slowing Down is OK

Deep breath. The first three-weeks of start-up and back to school was rigorous to say the least. My body, mind, and spirit were so tired and demanded sleep and rest. I am starting to feel more like myself and I am grateful to this weekend to get back to life and myself. My first good night’s sleep was on Thursday night. I could not keep my eyes open and I went to bed early. Doing that was very unusual for me.

I was exhausted. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I had thought I could teach 5 courses, supervise one master’s student, and be on committee for two other students on top of contributing to my research program and service work I am committed to. Two of my courses are not typical. One is practicum supervision and the other is portfolio, so there is some flex in my schedule that starts this week.

My classes started well and I just hope I can maintain the quality of teaching but also delve back into my writing and get a few papers out for publication. The last three weeks have been a reality check and I can only do what I can do. There is no failure. I am doing the best that I can. And some days, 80% is ok. If that’s what I have, that’s what I can give. There is no harm in that and it’s still pretty good.

REALISTIC GOALS.

Finding balance in teaching, regardless if it’s in K-12 or in higher education, is something that I have wrestled with as an educator for the last 3 decades. Now, I am at an age when I can do “all-nighters” anymore or not eat throughout the day. My body is unable to handle that kind of stress anymore on top of the stress of the job and perceived stress that may or may not be really there. I need to slow down.

A long story made short, I’ve been focused on my health for the last few months. I went to the doctor this weekend and went for more bloodwork, made referrals, and renewed some prescriptions. My body is talking to me. The car accident I had during the summer helped me to gain perspective about life, work, wellness, and self-care. Now, I see the consequences of not taking care of myself over time.

I am thankful that I am going to the doctor and there are some actions I can take to make my health better. For example, I just completed a mini-kettlebell workout in my apartment this afternoon (thank goodness for YouTube), I’m saying no to the conference in Hawaii (no conference hotel rooms available and costs are too high), and I have mapped out an eating plan that will minimize some of my symptoms.

HOPE.

That’s what I am grateful for. There is still something I can do and it’s not terminal. Part of valuing myself is not just in the mind and spirit, but also the body. My body is yelling at me and finally… I am listening. I am resting this weekend without guilt. I have met minimum expectations because that’s what my mind was ready to do. I also cleaned my apartment this weekend, did laundry, and cooked. It feels good.

Now, I feel rested and ready to get back to work… in a good way. Rest is a form of kindness and compassion for self. I can take a deep breath. Even though I have a tonne of work piling up in front of me, I can only do what I can do and I will do the best that I can. I am confident I am doing my job and I am doing it well. What I need to do well is taking care of myself, listen to my intuition and body, and respond.

I feel good today. A full weekend of Hallmark movies, taking time to rest and sleep, spending time with friends and family, and blogging… makes me happy. I am also supporting teacher candidates and graduates students too, but I’m also part of the formula. Returning to Parker Palmer’s Heart of a Teacher with my classes reminds me that I am part of the equation of “good teaching.” Self-knowledge is good. 🙂

September 14, 2023 – Classes Officially Start

I know that classes started last week for universities, but normally the first week entails the course syllabus and some introductory activities to establish norms. This image is of my EDUC 394 class and us participating in Dr. Peter Liljedahl’s Building Thinking Classrooms with random groupings, non-permanent vertical surfaces, and TRIADS (or groups of three). It’s Week 2 and this is our first class.

I love teaching EDUC 394 (Pedagogy, Curriculum, and Teaching – Theory in Practice). It’s my third time to teach this course in the last 4-years of the program implementation of the redesigned curriculum. The first time I taught this course, I taught it online with both cohorts during the pandemic. The year after, I did not teach this course. And, last year I taught the course with the elementary cohort.

This year I am teaching this course with both cohorts, elementary and secondary, but it’s in-person. Now, we are looking at teaching and learning K-12. We started the course with Parker Palmer’s “Heart of a Teacher: Identity and Integrity of a Teacher” (1997). I love the idea that teaching is the interweaving of the subject matter, the students, and the teacher. Self-knowledge is key to one’s success.

I’ve been working on understanding myself for many years and it may become the underpinning of my research program. With each course I always ground myself in the work of Parker Palmer. I am rudely or nicely reminded of the importance of loving what you do and integrating oneself into their practice. It’s the love for the subject matter, love for your students, and love for oneself. I am learning this.

Parker said that teaching is a vulnerable act. Brené Brown says that learning is an act of vulnerability. I say, there is no difference between teaching and learning. My hope for teacher candidates is to become expert LEARNERS (not expert teachers). I used CANNED PEACHES as my metaphor for learning this year in this course. I learned last week how to can peaches and it was an amazing learning experience.

But, the idea of BEST PRACTICE and a fresh peach. Over time, that best practice rots over time. Best practice is never static. If we keep to a best practice over time, it no longer becomes a best practice. Things change over time, much like a peach. So, we want to preserve the fruit. Although it’s not the name after it’s canned, it’s still a peach. Sweet and delicious. That’s the part of practice that needs to linger.

With Block 5 teacher candidates heading into practicum, Block 1 is an opportunity to renew and refresh. I’ve learned a tonne from the crew who are currently in Block 5 and I am so happy to bring all of the good things that we learned together to this new group in EDUC 394 and EDUC 405. I am only going to bring the good things and find opportunities to learn something new as well. That’s the true joy.

September 8, 2023 – Saying Goodbye – Closing Circle

My last in-person class with EDUC 405 (Block 5) happened last week at West Lake Provincial Park. It was a beautiful fall morning and everyone was in attendance and on-time. The morning exceeded my expectations. One student brought a propane fire, another student notified the cohort to bring lawn chairs, and another student brought food. To my surprise, another student organized a personalized card and gift that I was deeply moved and touched. They really got me. Grateful.

We first met in Block 1 one year ago in EDUC 405 and EDUC 394. We continued our relationship in Block 2 in EDUC 405, EDUC 391, and EDUC 421. To have two terms with one cohort in 4-courses has been extraordinary and something I know I will be writing about as a program evaluation. What is noteworthy about this crew was all of the things that we are able to explore and accomplish in these courses. They made me believe what is truly possible and we achieved so much together.

The moment of connection happened one month into our teaching and learning relationship within this 16-month teacher education program. I collaborated with the other EDUC 405 instructor to organize a fire circle event with the UHNBC drummers to recognize the National Day of Truth and Reconciliation. It was a memorable day and had a huge impact on both cohorts. It was an amazing day!!

After the fire circle event, my cohort took photos with the UHNBC drummers, some student volunteers from my class extinguished the fire they created, and then our class formed a circle to decide what we wanted to do for next class. Due to the funeral of the queen and rescheduling of dates, we could of gone to West Lake Provincial Park as originally planned or attend a Pro-D presentation online.

We reflected on the fire circle experience with “two-words” and then I posed the choice to the cohort to get their feedback on what they wanted to do. We went around the circle again and students either voted for no preference or going to West Lake. We decided to go to West Lake and at that moment, I knew we had connection. We met on the land to learn from the land after that long weekend.

I remember that morning. It was the day after my birthday. I just returned from Vancouver and Michael Bublé concert. I was already pretty happy, but going to West Lake as a class that Monday morning was a beautiful fall day. The colour of the trees were golden and gorgeous. The lake was covered by fog and we could see our breath. We connected to the water, the land, and each other. Amazing!!

On September 8th, we returned back to the water, the land, and each other. The day was much warmer and blue algae plagued the water. It didn’t matter. We had a moment together to reflect, wonder, and say goodbye. That said, it’s never easy to say goodbye. Admittedly, I missed this crew over the last 4-months. I did not have class with them with exception to EDUC 405, but it was delivered asynchronously.

There were some messy moments but every moment is a learning opportunity. I learned a lot as well when I was not with them. The journey and everything in between was amazing and meant to be. I believe in serendipity. We landed on our feet and moving forward. This crew helped me to complete my portfolio and I am super excited for them in the final 4-months of the program during practicum.

Hello September. My kid and I are getting ready for the fall. School is starting. I say that quietly. We are both now home and we love spending some time together on the weekend. We did a few errands this morning and we had a big breakfast at White Spot. I love going there. It’s about as close as having a hotel breakfast. It’s one of my favourite things to do. I love it even more when I can be with my kid.

My friend took me to the farmers market last weekend and I just looked around to get the lay of the land. There are two farmer markets downtown and I have not been to one of them before. We went early in the morning last week and my friend goes every weekend with her other friend. She has routines and favourite vendors. It was fun to see such a community oriented event and I enjoyed watching people.

After breakfast this morning, my kid and I went to the farmers market. It was later in the day, so the $5.00 farm eggs and artesian loaves of fresh baked bread were not available. And, piles of vegetables were not piled as high as they were from what I remembered last week when I first went. This is a good problem. My kid saw the sunflowers and we could not help ourselves. It was our first purchase.

We walked over to the second farmers market. It’s downtown Prince George and we walked passed folks who were sitting in corners and door sills along the street. On the one hand, it could be perceived as unsafe. My kid will often do what it takes to protect me. I’m a little naive that way. On the other hand, my heart was broken. We walked passed one person and he was putting hotel lotion on an open wound.

I could not un-see what I saw. My heart was heavy and my kid tried to console me. It was a beautiful sunny day. There was no smoke and there was a cool breeze. It was a short walk to the next market and we purchased peaches, nectarines, plums, and green beans. My kid even bought a crocheted flower pot hanging from one of the vendors and I learned that there were three different plums to choose from.

We meandered back to the car, I put our recent purchases in the car, and my kid went to the trunk of her car. She took out gauze, a wrap, and two wipes from her first aid kit. She’s in the nursing program. I looked at her and she heard my plea about helping that person we saw a few moments ago. She drove to where they were and asked me if I wanted her to go help the person. I said yes and she did.

I watched the interaction from the car. She recognized the person and approached him with compassion and kindness. I saw that she gave him a few instructions of what she was about to give him and accepted the first aid supplies graciously and with gratitude. The interaction was wholehearted and full of humanity. I cried. My kid returned to the car and wondered why I was crying. She wanted me to stop.

Eventually I stopped crying when we drove away, but I was overwhelmed. I love how my kid gets frustrated with me and my involuntary behaviours like crying, for example. Anyway, I am proud of my kid. She is in the right profession and I love that she still speaks about medical school and nursing is the first step. She is going to change the world. I have no doubt or question. She has surpassed me 10-fold.

There is nothing I love more than breakfast out. Ideally, it would be breakfast at a hotel, but WhiteSpot works as well. Damn, it was delicious and a treat. Why not?

I don’t have this kind of meal everyday, but there is nothing wrong with splurging once in a while. I am definitely on a strict diet (and not for reasons of weight loss even though that might be helpful), but I don’t want to deny myself from what’s possible. It’s been two weeks since my last blog post. That’s a bit of an anomaly for me since the beginning of the pandemic and I would have felt compelled to write it. I tried a few times last week, but it was nothing that I was prepared to share.

That’s a big idea for me. Sometimes I felt it was my responsibility or duty to share to be accountable to others, but truth, I need to be accountable to myself. I did write a blog post, posted it, then un-posted it. I tried a couple of times to write something else, but it never made completion. In fact, I just forgot about it. I guess it was not meant to be shared, much like this breakfast. Not all of it was eaten, even though it would have been good to finish my meal, it was not meant to be.

Anyway, I have been doing some personal growth and its been fun to observe and wonder about. I am so proud of myself to get a couple manuscripts completed and I am learning how to trust myself. In doing so, I’m understanding my value and worth. Sounds weird, but I feel like I’m waking up… to my life. I can be anywhere and I can be anyone. I’m not dependent on any one thing, person, or place. This clarity in mindset and way of being have been very liberating and exciting too.

Here’s an example of me noticing. My kid is out of town and we are in contact everyday. I was willing to by her a night or two at a hotel with no hesitation. Yet, when I’m organizing a trip for myself, I don’t think I can afford an extra night or two. It’s very odd. My daughter is reluctant to accept my gesture and ironically, I’m reluctant to accept my own gesture… to me. UGH. A huge aha… and I noticed. I am worth it. I’ll apply for a travel grant, but I’m going anyway because I’m worth it.

The hotel resort looks so fancy and I’ve never been to the Big Island before, but I got two paper presentation proposals accepted and I’m going for it. Single author papers based on the Scholarship of Teaching and my practice. How else can I be more honouring to me? This conference would be all about me and the last time I went to this conference was about 10-years ago, then maybe 5-years ago. It’s time to go back again. And, this time, I’m going for me (and not for anyone else). 🙂

My life has pivoted. I’m still the same person, but lots is unravelling… rapidly. I’m open to this transformation. Maybe it’s now time to register for the conference.

Have you ever been situated in a life or death situation? For the last few days, I’ve been cognitively paralyzed and for weeks before that… existentially challenged.

On August 6th, I was faced with a life and death situation and feel blessed with the opportunity to continue with my life… and choose my life. I am aware that I might sound a bit dramatic, but as my (Italy traveling) friends said to me this morning, it’s a trauma response. I’ve heard that comment several times before August 6th and I am becoming more aware that I am a person that has experienced lots of trauma.

As alarming that might sound, no one is more alarmed than me. I had no idea. I cannot believe that I am a person of trauma, but looking back on my behaviour, I can see that the situations I seem familiar with and ones that I am drawn to are not ones that are “normal.” I use quotations because what is “normal.” That said, I am keeping secrets, big and small, and I can see how some experiences are not normal.

I am not trying to be self-deprecating or make excuses of any of my past behaviour. What I am doing is taking a moment to sense-make and take a deeper dive into who I am and move into my life with intentionality, kindness, and compassion. I could feel that I was moving out of my midlife unravelling to the last chapter of my life. In the last 5-years, life events have been jarring, but April 6th takes the cake.

Sadly, I needed a catalyst to get my thinking into a place where I value my life and myself. I am important. I thought that I spent most of my #pandemicreflections to determine what’s important to me, but what I was really doing was figuring out what’s important to others (or what I should think it should be). Habits are hard to break, and my good friends brought that to my attention. What are you afraid of?

HAPPINESS.

How horrible. Am I really afraid to be happy? Maybe. Most likely. A part of that is also being happy in my work (despite its difference with others) and valuing my work. Comparing is a soul killer and spending time worrying about what others think is even worse. My identity work is really important to me as it relates to ethnic identity, teacher identity, and mathematics educator/learner identity.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who can tell me what I need to hear but also have the patience with me when I’m not ready to hear. I love that I have folks in my life who love and lift me, and I am humbled to have the life to live and learn. After August 6th, I have an obligation to me to do what’s best for me but also do what I love to do, unapologetically. I am worthy, I have value, and I can be happy.

Truth… what I wanted for others is what I really wanted for myself. I am a grown adult who wears a hoodie, Lulu tights, and Crocs (or Uggs… or Birkenstocks) because I like it, but also… it represents a time when I was my best self. Albeit, I was 13-years old, but it’s a memory of me that reminds me when I was happy, when I was my whole self, and when other people’s opinions did not matter.

I needed an abrupt catalyst on this journey called LIFE to understand deeply the importance of my life and not take it for granted. I feel good. I am happy. 🙂