Dr. Christine Ho Younghusband

April 21, 2024 – My Favourite Thing

There is nothing I love more than JAM. When people are doing what they love, I can’t help but be enamoured by what they are doing. One of my most favourite things to do is going to craft fairs, like Circle Craft in Vancouver, BC. Artists and folks who make things bring their craft to be adjudicated. If chosen, they have the opportunity to sell their craft at the fair. From there, thousands of people browse the stalls at the craft fair and attendees pick and choose what to buy of try. Wow. That takes such courage, love, and belief in one’s work. That JAM is so admirable.

Last night, I watched “Rube & Rake” at the Art Space above Books & Company. I got an invite from one of my former students, now colleague. One of the musical artists is her brother. The performance, sound, and storytelling were amazing and entertaining. I was so glad to get out last night to be with folks from Harwin Elementary school. We were just “being people” on “be a person day.” It was a good day to spend the day. I loved listening to the lyrics and the playfulness of the music. I did not know how much I enjoyed the banjo until last night. It was fun.

I am reminded about passion, love, and joy watching this performance. You have to do what you love. As mentioned in last night’s performance, there are ups and downs when pursuing what you love. You have to have hope and dreams. You also have to have folks around you who share the same (or similar) hopes and dreams. The performers spoke about playing together on the east coast for about 10 years, they released 2 albums, and there is one more album on the way. The hometown boy moved to Newfoundland 13 years ago. I can only image his reasons why.

When I have experiences like this, I am brought into reflection thinking about my path, decisions, and journey to where I am today. I love teaching. I’m not the “best” at it, but I do appreciate the learning process and I love interacting and supporting others on their pedagogical journey. I love the flexibility, autonomy, and agency in my work and I love that I get to create, imagine, and critically think and reflect about teaching, leadership, and learning in K-12 and higher education. What I am reminded of is, there is always ups and down, but focus on the JAM and the joy.

I am grateful to have this experience. I am reminded of my love for JAM and that I was giving the opportunity to witness JAM and the joy derived from it. There is not guilt, shame, or embarrassment. All I saw was pride, love, and respect. Even the former student’s and one band member’s mom and dad were there to witness as well. I was so moved by their attendance and the stories (and jokes) told. You have to do what you love and not worry about what other people think. I am brought back to “the perfect curling shot.” I felt it. I saw it. One can only celebrate.

April 14, 2024 – I am a slow reader.

Here is some beautiful irony… YOU TEACH WHO YOU ARE (Palmer, 1997). How my classes are recently designed is about knowing who you are. Self-knowledge. Regardless of what class I teach… assessment, numeracy, theory to practice, leadership, and intro. to education… I am always encouraging students to know who they are to understand their motivation, values, and beliefs. Guess what I am doing? I am in constant investigation of who I am as a second-generation Chinese-Canadian, educator, mother, sister, child, and friend. How to these roles and sense of self influence my values and beliefs as an educator, citizen, and human being?

I am brought to a few of life’s metaphors to make sense of the world and this journey into exploring the inner landscape of “Dr. Christine Ho Younghusband”… THE PERFECT CURLING SHOT, beading (or weaving), and the canoe experience. All three metaphors, manifested as lived experiences, each humble me to learn something about life and myself. I was just chatting with my supervisor and next steps in my research program. I was vulnerable and open to feedback. I was very appreciative of the conversation. It felt a moment of risk vs. reward. In the end, when you are open to the experience, the outcome will work out as intended.

Also, part of knowing they self, you need to know your strengths and stretches. In this stage of my pedagogical journey or third chapter of my life, I am continuously wondering how I want to spend my last years. What brings me joy? This year’s one-word is HAPPY. What I am learning is, this is one of my non-negotiable principles that will guide my decision-making and direction through life. What makes me happy? Does this make me feel happy? Am I happy? It seems to be serving an excellent litmus to who I want to move through the world… with joy… along with authenticity, wholeheartedness, and the simple things I love so much.

My strengths and deepest desire for self and others is community, connection, and collaboration. I love being with others. I am an extrovert. My stretch is reading and writing. LOL. What was I thinking? I’m in an occupation that is consumed by reading and writing. Academia. Hmm… this thought needs unpacking. I started blogging to build my confidence and competence in my writing. The unexpected consequence of the act of writing is that the writing process helps me to think. I also enjoy blogging because it feels like there is some “high stakes” in writing in a public blog. So, whatever I write or share must be something I am willing to share.

I would say that my confidence and competence for writing is much better. I love the weekly blog. I love to reflect on my learning. I have found the right pace for me to reflect on my practice and learning. I look forward to blogging and I am feeling like my next step is with academic writing. I’ve done some writing, but this term coming up, it will be time to dig in, jump in, and commit to following through. Thinking about this reminds me of the early beginnings of my dissertation and autodidactism. There is something about learning for and by yourself to succeed. Part of this learning methodology is also asking for informal help and guidance.

As you can see with the image above, it’s one of my pieces from one of the beading classes I took this term. I wanted to engage in something for myself. Beading has been a humbling and rewarding learning experience. I am likely going to write about it in parallel with what it’s like to write for academia. What I can say is, with each piece or project, I can see that I am getting a bit better at it and my skills will develop over time with deliberate practice. Now to my kryptonite…. reading. Now at the end of term, as much as I like my students to write, I have to read their work. I loved what I’ve read so far, but I’m a slow reader. That’s it. I’m slow at reading.

There… I’ve said it. That said, I’m slow at beading too. With deliberate practice, I will develop my reading skills over time. I wished that I had the joy of reading like many of my peers do, but it’s something that I am learning to love. I am a much better reader now than what I was when I was in K-12 or university. I just need to remember about “learning takes patience and time.” I will get to my reading and I can’t be so self-conscious or critical of my speed of reading and compare myself with others. I heard that by comparing yourself with others is one way to kill one’s joy. I can’t do that. And, I cannot worry about what others think. Just keep trying.

April 5, 2024 – WestCAST2024 Conference

Love it!! Just embrace what is. When students take a photo of you (in action). Just reached the end of the WestCAST2024 Conference in Calgary, AB with the University of Calgary Werklund School of Education. It was a small conference, but the first step to in-person gatherings with teacher candidates, graduate students, and teacher educators. As you can see from the image, I presented at the conference on behalf of the research team I am a co-investigator with on the Climate Education in Teacher Education (CETE) in northern BC. What I loved the most about this conference was to work with four teacher candidates (aka. curling team) from my program to help them plan, prep, and present for this conference.

The group of teacher candidates who went to WestCAST2024 to present were AMAZING!! We spent many hours dialoguing about their presentation and it evolved into a lesson study and something worthwhile to share with others. And so they did. I can only imagine how many hours they spent as a curling team to collaborate and create content for their presentation. They were meticulous. The presentation had two parts: (1) an indoor PowerPoint presentation that spoke to BC’s Curriculum (i.e., Core Competencies), First Peoples Principles of Learning, and wellness; (2) going outside to facilitate a sit spot lesson plan they each did during their practicum as a lesson study that tested their hypothesis on wellness.

We bounced many ideas, used various resources, and developed an outline that captured their intention and interest. They rehearsed, got formative feedback (from me), and made appropriate revisions where it was needed. Despite the snow and a bit of nerves, they presented as if they were experts in the work they created. The learning intention was clear and the workshop was seamless. They got lots of interest at the end of the workshop (from those who stayed until the end) and got lots of positive feedback such that some participants will take on the challenge of the lesson study, reach out to ask for the lesson plan or PowerPoint, or contact them to engage in further discussion on topic of wellness and learning with and from the land. Their workshop was extremely effective and engaging.

Back to my presentation, I opted to springboard off the presentation that preceded me on Climate Action. It was an inquiry project done by a teacher candidate from another university in BC. Their inquiry was completely aligned to the CETE research project and so I opted to read a few parts that I needed the exact quote or idea, then I referred the PowerPoint and previous presenter. I was more myself and did not feel limited to the speaking notes created for the presentation. That said, all speaking notes were achieved during my presentation, but our project just seemed to connect to the Climate Action presentation. It was almost like it was an exemplar of one of the outcomes we hope for in our project.

It’s so great to teach and learn with teacher candidates. In this case, we were working with teacher candidates and teacher educators from teacher education programs from western Canada. It was an awesome opportunity to coach the teacher candidates from my program and to see them present a topic that was meaningful to them, but also it became meaningful to others. That’s how you impact others to create change in their practice and pedagogy. In the end, it’s the wholeheartedness and passion behind the project that made it so meaningful. This foursome was an excellent “curling team” with different strengths and points of view that were cohesive, coherent, and collegial. I am grateful to work with this crew and I feel hearted by the quality of these future educators in K-12 schools.

March 31, 2024 – Easter Long Weekend

There is nothing I find more anxiety inducing than course evaluations. We are not required to do them since the pandemic, but I was encouraged by the Chair to return to this practice for feedback on my teaching and gather evidence on the quality of my teaching. Another option I could participate in is peer-evaluation but I opted to giving a survey to my students on my last day of classes. I have also informally asked a few recent graduates who I supervised during long practicum if they are willing to write letters of reference about my teaching and mentorship.

The more that I am transitioning to be more of myself (and be myself), the more open I am to receiving this feedback. I’ve had some traumatizing events that has happened to me with course evaluations and how higher education is dependent on the opinion of others. There is a fine balance between being your authentic self and the judgement of others. I could critically reflect on this experience as the opportunity to differentiate between GROWTH MINDSET and FIXED MINDSET. The fixed mindset tends to be performative and growth mindset about learning.

Learning requires one to be vulnerable. Like teaching, learning is a vulnerable act. With vulnerability, expect moments to be knocked down. I’m not saying expect the worst, but what I am saying is, “the perfect curling shot” does not happen all of the time. The goal is to be consistent and make the most of a given situation. Don’t dwell on the missed shot. The missed shot or lost game do not define who you are “as a curler.” As the Canadian women’s world curling champions said throughout the tournament, they focused on the learning as their strategy for the next game.

That curling team always said they had fun on the ice. I love that. They are engaged in high performance curling and they are having fun. Truth. They are focused on one shot at a time. They lost their last game in the round robin, but they did not let that loss negatively impact their mindset or performance. They had the self-confidence and sense of self-worth to just bounce back. They ended up playing that team in the semi-finals and won that game and the finals. Not to drift into a tangent about curling, but what I am saying is, feedback and learning are key!!

Be open. Be kind. Be compassionate. These three axioms are not just to others but also to oneself. I had an awesome term with my classes this term. They were not “perfect” classes, but I was learning and trying my best given the circumstances. That’s all I can ask for from myself. I can’t dwell on my mistakes or missteps, but I can reflect on these experiences, good or bad, and learn from those experiences to do better next time. I have one more class next Monday for EDUC 201 online. Then, it’s will be a week or so of marking and feedback. The term is almost over.

The term ended somewhat abruptly soon after practicum and reading break. I wish all of the students in my classes the best and happy Easter long weekend. I’m looking forward to going to Calgary, AB to present at WestCAST 2024 at the University of Calgary and support a group of teacher candidates who are also presenting at this conference next week. Take it one day at a time. Be present. Focus on being consistent, executing the perfect curling shot, learn from my mistakes, seek help from others, work together as a team, and have fun!! 🙂

March 23, 2024 – One Step at a Time

Saturdays… it never fails. Now, I’ve conditioned myself to sleep in, recycle, and do nothing. It’s “be a person” day. I love taking the day for myself. After recycling today, I bought 4-bags of handmade frozen perogies and 14 cooked perogies for dinner. Then, I went to Ramen Ya Sendo for the lunch combo and lunch for one. Going back home, I cooked my kid some fried perogies for lunch, watched a bit of Hallmark movies (a needed happy dose), and tracked women’s curling on Twitter.

I took the day as a full day of rest and I will say that it’s official… THIS is a routine. During my day today, I had that feeling of… “I love life.” What a great place to be. The sun was shining, I had the freedom of driving my car, and I have the privilege to take the day off (guilt free). I am learning that taking the time to rest is key to good health… mentally, physically, and emotionally. Yesterday was such a full day. There should be no “bad feelings” for doing not much. Truth. It makes me happy.

The image above was taken yesterday morning before leaving the hospital. I went to the hospital for CT scan. It was my first time. I did not know what to expect. Admittedly, I was a little spooked and lost. I had to navigate the hospital for the first time, ask directions, and made my daughter (who is of age) to be my primary contact. The experience got real when I sat in the wait room near the MRI and the door read… DO NOT ENTER… in caps, and “Warning: the magnet is on at all times.”

The workshop was a full workshop about internationalization, JEDI, and EDID. Justice, equity, inclusion, and decolonization are all big ideas and how to we address these ideas in higher education with respect to international education. The workshop was a full day event. I appreciated the facilitation and participants had the opportunity to be who we are, say what we mean, and address tough topics in a wholehearted way. I appreciated the framework and safe environment.

The afternoon transitioned to a meeting with four teacher candidates heading out to the WestCAST 2024 conference in Calgary. They just finished practicum and participated in a lesson study where they co-planned a lesson which they each taught in their practicum and its the underpinning to their presentation at this student teacher conference. My role is to help and mentor this crew. It’s going to be an engaging and experiential presentation. I am super excited for this crew.

Yesterday concluded with my last night of curling. I could not play. I injured myself the day before sparing for another team, but I wanted to come out to support the team. I had dinner and sat in the bar enjoying a plate of chicken fingers and salad. That night, I had a surprise conversation with another teacher candidate and we talked about practicum, and another conversation with a recent graduate and we talked about my injury, teaching, and convocation. My team won last night. Yay!!

Big picture… my life is full. I am happy. I am focused on the little things. I have my health. I love being with my kid. I have good friends. And, I am doing work that I want to do. What more can I ask for? I feel very lucky and happy to be alive. 🙂

March 19, 2024 – World’s Women’s Curling

I never thought that curling would bring me such joy and help me make sense of the world. Here I am taking photos of my TV of Team Canada playing in the worlds. I am able to catch a few games and I love watching them play because it helps me to confirm what I am exploring… “the perfect curling shot.” After a conversation with a colleague, looking online for some more information, and borrowing a friend’s thesis that used autoethnography as a methodology has set my heart on fire. I have opted to use my blogging platforms as a means to reflect on my lived experiences to make sense of “the real world” (i.e., my practice and profession).

Today, Team Canada played two teams who were also undefeated so far in the round robin. The first game went into an extra end and the second game ended in the 8th end after a 4-ender in the 7th. Team Canada won both games. Woohoo. Aside from winning, I am observing the team dynamics and how they are playing. What does it mean to throw a perfect curling shot and be consistent? I love watching the skip of the team. She is a powerhouse. Focused, calm, consistent. One rock at a time, the goal remains the same… to win the game, of course.

I don’t want to reduce the goal or purpose of what Team Canada (or any other curling team) is trying to achieve on the ice. That’s the nature of sport… to win. When you listen to post-game interviews, every player on Team Canada focuses on LEARNING. They love playing for the Canadian audience and they are having fun on the ice. The quality of the shots they are making are AMAZING. They are always communicating, clarifying, and collaborating. From my perspective, they are all making the shot. The clarity of the skip and the confidence and positionality of all players on the team, the FLOW they established is enduring and steadfast.

Team Canada broke their opponents 42-game win streak. What kind of mental, emotional, and physical endurance is required not to be spooked by that statistic? One rock at a time, they play the game with a clear objective. I love how this team communicates with each other. There is mutual respect, shared expertise, and shared purpose. The result… the perfect curling shot. Each player, in their own way, offers a type of leadership. Leadership is not limited to the skip. The team’s consistency persists until the very end of the game. I love that when the game does end, either after the 10th end or handshake, the team smiles and highfives.

When I think about my game on Friday, we found our flow again as a unit. I was still skipping the team and our spare played third. We did not play a “perfect game” (because were are Friday night fun league), but we did play well together. We had flow. We tried to make the best of each shot. And, we communicated. There is always a “learning element” during our games and we are not spending our time judging or blaming one another for our misses, but celebrating the shots made. Much like Team Canada, we played one shot at a time with a common goal. We have mutual respect, we’re trying our best, and we’re having fun. We won 6-0.

March 10, 2024 – Needing Time for Myself

What can I say? These soup dumplings from Costco are AMAZING!! I microwave them for 3-minutes then add the umami sauce that comes with the dumplings and a squeeze of sriracha… perfection. I learned about these dumplings on REELS. I’ve never looked back. My #OneWord2024 is HAPPY and these dumplings do provide a bit of happiness into my life. I am also learning that I need to find a happy balance between life and work. I think that I’ve always struggled with balancing my time as a student, teacher, and academic. There are demands that are either perceived, self-inflicted, or real that I require my time and attention to achieve and complete.

The last few weeks have been somewhat of a wash for me. Meaning, I should never underestimate the time it takes to complete a manuscript or the time it takes to heal from near “burnout.” As much as I want to focus on what makes me HAPPY, I also need to do what it takes to stay healthy. Admittedly, some of the work I have created myself. That’s part of my learning and I continue to do that (often through mistakes… which is how people learn). I am learning that my work needs to be sustainable and I almost burned out early in the year and I’m finding my way back.

I love to teach. I love to learn. I love to create, innovate, and try something new. I know that I’m in the right field and occupation that is “ikigai” (meaning in life) and I am also learning more about myself as I regain my independence and sense of self. I am learning how to embrace my strengths and stretches, but also what brings me joy. I am a “late to bed, late to rise” kind of person. I have always been this way in high school, university, and adulthood. Not much has changed over the years even though I feel like I should do things in the morning. Truth: it never happens. LOL.

Do what you love.

Isn’t this the greatest pedagogical journey? I love to teach. I love to learn. I love to create, innovate, and try something new. Admittedly, I’m not “the best” at these things, but I love the challenge of trying. My pedagogical journey had many up and down moments. I love the thrill of achievement (like eating these tasty dumplings) and sometimes I need to step back, rest, and rejuvenate (and be ok with that). I feel privileged and lucky that I can take a pause to regroup and try again. This way of being is a new habit I’m developing with hopes of honing this skill proficiently.

Sustainability, consistency, and joy are attributes or criteria for my work and I would self-assess my progress as EMERGING or DEVELOPING. That’s ok. I am learning and I am feeling more like myself to keep going without harbouring any feelings of resentment, regret, or guilt. I am doing the best I can and part of this work is self-assessing, reflecting, adapting, and trying again (re: Kolb’s experiential learning cycle). That’s the best we can do. If we can’t give ourselves the kindness and compassion to make mistakes and learn from them, what are we really doing?

A new work week begins tomorrow and I will try again. Time is a limiting factor, but it’s also something to be cherished, savoured, and appreciated. I can do this!!

March 1, 2024 – Do things that fill your cup

Where did February go? I have no idea. The month came and went. I spent the last week enjoying my time and recalibrating my heart, spirit, and mind. I really need to harness the idea of going outside. I was totally spooked by the bears, then warm weather (aka., no hibernation), and now sub-zero temperatures. I’ll figure this out but I am grateful for the teachers who have opted to recruit and mentor a teacher candidate for the EDUC 391, 3-week, experiential practicum. I thought last term was full and frantic. The winter term took a different pace, but equally fulsome.

I am still reflecting on my last lecture with the elementary cohort in EDUC 421 (assessment and motivation). The course was designed for student to experience the value of assessment and motivation in their own learning of the course and then the content of the course discussed how design and implement assessment and motivation in their own classrooms as future teachers. We had 4-weeks at Harwin Elementary with “in situ” learning, we referred to several assessment authors to consider, and we talked about the importance of lesson planning.

During the course, I offered some tools for assessment and ask the students to try them out in context with the students at Harwin. We also discussed the value of learning more about the students and how to plan with the student at the centre of the learning while keeping attuned to the OECD 7 Principles of Learning, BC’s Curriculum, and clear learning targets and assessment methods. If anything, we discussed more about PRINCIPLES versus classroom management and tools. The course focussed on assessment and motivation principles to use and reason with.

We ended the course looking at the BC Performance Standards the week prior and then the BC Learning Pathways during our last class together. The class were grouped into TRIADS and investigating the grade level they were interested in. When the class reported out, they EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATIONS. They could see the alignment of the Learning Pathways with BC’s Curriculum, new reporting order, and focus on learning as well as the “old focus” of student achievement and lack of flexibility of the “old curriculum,” yet saw the value of both documents.

Not that they are in the 3-week practicum, I am curious about how the approach I took with EDUC 421 would surmount to. I won’t find out until the summative journal and electronic closing circle on the LMS, if they decide to connect their practicum experience to their understanding of assessment and motivation. If anything, I was astounded by how the class concluded and I feel confident that the students will find opportunities to apply what they have learned and notice that it was in the design of our course that led to their motivation and assessment too.

I love the photo that I’ve included above for this blog post. What I love about blogging is that the writing process takes you where you need to go with your thinking. Writing is thinking. The image is a beading project that I have recently completed. I finished the beading and it will be attached to a leather bag soon. I think about the learning that was embedded in that flower. There are a tonne of mistakes made and I stabbed myself many times with the needle when I was not paying attention. In the end, what you see is the flower and that’s what matters.

Keep learning. Engage in deliberate practice. Ask and accept the help from others. These are the few lessons I have learned from beading. I also love beading with friends and in good company. I love the learning environment. And, I love beading. Do what you love. That’s another key lesson to learn. Assessment and motivation are deeply tied to and interconnected with your values and beliefs. So, returning back to Parker Palmer and self-knowledge is key, in addition to know the subject matter and the students too. Wishing the students all the best in practicum. 🙂

February 25, 2024 – Finding Myself Again

It’s the day before practicum… the first teaching practicum at the university, and I am just getting my footing back again. This semester, I made some decisions that did not “pay off” as I had thought or expected. In fact, I learned a totally different lesson. I learned that I do not prioritize myself or my work. What a horrible lesson to learn, but as my mom would say, I always learn it the hard way… experientially.

I prioritized other work and put my work aside. Parked it, really… thinking that I would get back to my work once this other work is done. Sadly, that moment never returns because I would run out of time. What’s the point of that? Moreover, I have also parked other things and now I have a tonne of work to catch up on and I feel that I am underperforming and not doing the “real work” that I get paid for.

Deep breath. It’s only taken me 2-years after talking to a mentor to realize what it means to be “selfish.” It’s like the air mask on a plane or running into a fire to save someone, my safety and welfare are the first things to consider. Wow. That took some time to understand. I am correlating this understanding to what it means to be in the FLOW and using a curling shot as a metaphor and concrete example.

I almost burned out a few weeks ago and I have been on the “road to recovery” since. I have been re-navigating my focus towards my work, resting, and getting some of my work done. My mindset is one step at a time… meaning, one paper at a time. What I am exercising is patience, kindness, and compassion. Part of filling my cup was re-connecting with a couple of friends this weekend. We had ramen.

Time spent with my friends, especially after a week of illness and self-isolation, was exactly what I needed to feel whole again. Connecting with each of my friends entailed rich conversations that were thought provoking, wholehearted, and life transforming. I feel so grateful to have friends who listen, give honest opinions, and lift each other up. To top it off, we connect over noodles and dumplings. 🙂

Do what you love. Work hard, of course, but make sure you are aligned to who you are. To do this, you have to know who you are. Self-knowledge is opening doors for me. It’s not an easy path and I am learning things the hard way, but I am learning. My heart is full and I feel more like myself. I love being with my friends. I love good food. And, I love doing things that are right for me (and for others). Be Happy!!

February 19, 2024 – Missed Family Day

Happy Family Day!! That said, I did not expect to be lying alone in a hotel room feeling sick and missing out on a mini-family reunion on my dad’s side where 3-generations of relatives have gathered in Vancouver, BC. They travelled from around the world (i.e., Hong Kong, New Zealand, and the United States). There is a small group of us already living in the Lower Mainland and British Columbia. Admittedly, I’m totally bummed and missed 2.5 of 3 days of family, food, and fun.

This family day weekend would have been an excellent opportunity to reconnect with my aunties, uncles, cousins, and folks in the third generation. It’s been awhile since we had a family reunion and the first generation is not getting any younger. There was a part of me that should have known that things were not going to work out for me when my kid and I figured out on Thursday that I booked us on two different days and not the same flight. She left on Friday and I left on Saturday.

On Saturday, my flight was delayed due to fog. Then, when I arrived to Vancouver, a colleague informed me that they were experiencing symptoms. I was in serious denial of this news until I experienced symptoms on Sunday. I did go to one mini-event on Saturday night. The space was large and I wore a mask. I am crossing my fingers that everyone is ok, but I guess that is TBD. Seems like it’s been going well so far, but I excused myself from the rest of the family festivities and stayed in bed.

However, during my short visit with some of family members visiting Vancouver, I spoke candidly with one of my aunties. There were a box of photos for us to peruse and there was one family photo of my aunties. The aunty I spoke to was dressed “like a boy” in the photo. She had fond memories of that black and white photo, and could remember the colour of the pants and stripes on the sweater. Her hair was cut short and she told me that she wore that outfit for special occasions.

What I learned that night was a little family history… her parents wanted a boy when she was born and there there 2 boys born before her, but they passed away. She spoke about favourites and one child (the middle child) deemed unlucky. Gah. All of that would have traumatized me. Actually, we all have our histories. When speaking with my aunty, I eluded to her that I had hangups in my own family. She caught onto my comment and we ended up talking about it further a little later.

She described her family photo and just a few moments earlier I was looking at the photo included above with my kid. I showed this image to my dad and he instantly recognized my brother. Please note, my brother is my twin. I have an older sister too. Then my dad indicates that he did not recognize the other kid. The other kid was ME. My kid witnessed this incident. I was not sure if I should feel embarrassed or ashamed. I pointed out to him that is was me. That is my history with my dad.

When I shared this with my aunty, she said that she had always known. Her another aunty saw it ever since I was little. She told me that she had brought this to my dad’s attention when she visited Prince Rupert. I must have been really young, like this photo above. Apparently, he got mad and did not talk to her for a day. She said she felt sorry for me. She saw it. She saw me. Of course I cried when she told me. It’s not me… it’s not in my head… it’s a thing. I needed to hear this.

I reassured her that my mom mediated (as best she could) my relationship with my dad. I can see how this relationship with my mom and my dad has shaped who I am and who I do and don’t want to be. I’ve been working a lot on myself over the last 5-years but the unravelling goes beyond the present. I thanked my aunty. She was the tipping point. I’ve always wanted to write about my mom, but delving more deeply into my ethnic identity, assimilation, and now I see… my family history.