It’s the day before practicum… the first teaching practicum at the university, and I am just getting my footing back again. This semester, I made some decisions that did not “pay off” as I had thought or expected. In fact, I learned a totally different lesson. I learned that I do not prioritize myself or my work. What a horrible lesson to learn, but as my mom would say, I always learn it the hard way… experientially.
I prioritized other work and put my work aside. Parked it, really… thinking that I would get back to my work once this other work is done. Sadly, that moment never returns because I would run out of time. What’s the point of that? Moreover, I have also parked other things and now I have a tonne of work to catch up on and I feel that I am underperforming and not doing the “real work” that I get paid for.
Deep breath. It’s only taken me 2-years after talking to a mentor to realize what it means to be “selfish.” It’s like the air mask on a plane or running into a fire to save someone, my safety and welfare are the first things to consider. Wow. That took some time to understand. I am correlating this understanding to what it means to be in the FLOW and using a curling shot as a metaphor and concrete example.
I almost burned out a few weeks ago and I have been on the “road to recovery” since. I have been re-navigating my focus towards my work, resting, and getting some of my work done. My mindset is one step at a time… meaning, one paper at a time. What I am exercising is patience, kindness, and compassion. Part of filling my cup was re-connecting with a couple of friends this weekend. We had ramen.
Time spent with my friends, especially after a week of illness and self-isolation, was exactly what I needed to feel whole again. Connecting with each of my friends entailed rich conversations that were thought provoking, wholehearted, and life transforming. I feel so grateful to have friends who listen, give honest opinions, and lift each other up. To top it off, we connect over noodles and dumplings. 🙂
Do what you love. Work hard, of course, but make sure you are aligned to who you are. To do this, you have to know who you are. Self-knowledge is opening doors for me. It’s not an easy path and I am learning things the hard way, but I am learning. My heart is full and I feel more like myself. I love being with my friends. I love good food. And, I love doing things that are right for me (and for others). Be Happy!!
Happy Family Day!! That said, I did not expect to be lying alone in a hotel room feeling sick and missing out on a mini-family reunion on my dad’s side where 3-generations of relatives have gathered in Vancouver, BC. They travelled from around the world (i.e., Hong Kong, New Zealand, and the United States). There is a small group of us already living in the Lower Mainland and British Columbia. Admittedly, I’m totally bummed and missed 2.5 of 3 days of family, food, and fun.
This family day weekend would have been an excellent opportunity to reconnect with my aunties, uncles, cousins, and folks in the third generation. It’s been awhile since we had a family reunion and the first generation is not getting any younger. There was a part of me that should have known that things were not going to work out for me when my kid and I figured out on Thursday that I booked us on two different days and not the same flight. She left on Friday and I left on Saturday.
On Saturday, my flight was delayed due to fog. Then, when I arrived to Vancouver, a colleague informed me that they were experiencing symptoms. I was in serious denial of this news until I experienced symptoms on Sunday. I did go to one mini-event on Saturday night. The space was large and I wore a mask. I am crossing my fingers that everyone is ok, but I guess that is TBD. Seems like it’s been going well so far, but I excused myself from the rest of the family festivities and stayed in bed.
However, during my short visit with some of family members visiting Vancouver, I spoke candidly with one of my aunties. There were a box of photos for us to peruse and there was one family photo of my aunties. The aunty I spoke to was dressed “like a boy” in the photo. She had fond memories of that black and white photo, and could remember the colour of the pants and stripes on the sweater. Her hair was cut short and she told me that she wore that outfit for special occasions.
What I learned that night was a little family history… her parents wanted a boy when she was born and there there 2 boys born before her, but they passed away. She spoke about favourites and one child (the middle child) deemed unlucky. Gah. All of that would have traumatized me. Actually, we all have our histories. When speaking with my aunty, I eluded to her that I had hangups in my own family. She caught onto my comment and we ended up talking about it further a little later.
She described her family photo and just a few moments earlier I was looking at the photo included above with my kid. I showed this image to my dad and he instantly recognized my brother. Please note, my brother is my twin. I have an older sister too. Then my dad indicates that he did not recognize the other kid. The other kid was ME. My kid witnessed this incident. I was not sure if I should feel embarrassed or ashamed. I pointed out to him that is was me. That is my history with my dad.
When I shared this with my aunty, she said that she had always known. Her another aunty saw it ever since I was little. She told me that she had brought this to my dad’s attention when she visited Prince Rupert. I must have been really young, like this photo above. Apparently, he got mad and did not talk to her for a day. She said she felt sorry for me. She saw it. She saw me. Of course I cried when she told me. It’s not me… it’s not in my head… it’s a thing. I needed to hear this.
I reassured her that my mom mediated (as best she could) my relationship with my dad. I can see how this relationship with my mom and my dad has shaped who I am and who I do and don’t want to be. I’ve been working a lot on myself over the last 5-years but the unravelling goes beyond the present. I thanked my aunty. She was the tipping point. I’ve always wanted to write about my mom, but delving more deeply into my ethnic identity, assimilation, and now I see… my family history.
What can I say about community-based learning? It’s been everything to me and my practice as a teacher educator. Last term, we went to the Two Rivers Art Gallery, the Prince George Public Library, and Cottonwood Park. This term, we had math night at Quinson Elementary, guest speakers from SD57, and “in-situ” learning at Harwin Elementary. It’s been amazing to host EDUC 421 (assessment and motivation) at Harwin this year. Last year and year before, I had EDUC 391 (experiential practicum) as part of my teaching assignment. Normally, “in situ” learning marries well with practicum courses. With only EDUC 421, we spent 4 weeks at Harwin learning about assessment and motivation with K-7 students.
We spent the first week focused on the Career Education curriculum to create a lesson plan to know the students better, then the Arts Education curriculum to develop a linked lesson or mini-unit. Assessment and motivation are closely tied to lesson planning and teaching. Teacher candidates learned experientially with K-7 students and the support of the classroom teacher, support staff, and administration that assessment and motivation are planned and intentional. You can’t teach that from a lecture. Talking about classroom management, building relationships, and centering the student in the planning is very difficult to do without students yet fundamental to motivate students to learn and engage.
We tinkered with assessment, which is a HUGE topic. However, at Harwin, the students will give you immediate feedback if the learning target was clear, if the success criteria were attainable, or if the assessment method was appropriate. Assessment requires very deliberate planning from BC’s Curriculum and the teacher candidate must also know how to read and interpret the curriculum in a meaningful and appropriate way to motivate students to learn but also be able to collect enough evidence to track student learning and evaluate student achievement. Assessment is not a “carrots and sticks” approach to motivation. Assessment is meaningful and purposeful to develop one’s intrinsic motivation.
I am so grateful for the teachers, staff, students, and administrative team for having our EDUC 421 class in at Harwin to learn more about assessment and motivation in a meaningful and purposeful way. All formative, of course, but the experience also created a scaffold for the teacher candidates as they approach their first teaching practicum in a couple of weeks. We addressed many nuances of assessment and motivation at Harwin Elementary and they also had the opportunity to work in a school where COLLECTIVE EFFICACY exists. It’s very rare to belong and experience this collective way of being. It is so powerful. There was nothing more worthwhile than this collaboration. We learned a tonne!!
I have never felt more confused. LOL. I have no idea what doing what’s best for me. Often I would let myself believe that I’m doing what’s best for me, but I would overthink it and start to second guess or self-doubt what I am doing. Is this really the best for me? It’s not an easy question for me to answer. Most times, I find myself doing what’s best for others. On the one hand, doing what’s best for others is a good thing, but on the other hand, is it what’s best for me. That inquiry has many layers to consider, of which I am likely not to unpack those reasons here.
The last week or so, I’ve been mindful (not mindful, but noticing) that my body and mind need to rest. I could not help myself. I had a couple cancellations of my “things for me” activities (i.e., beading and curling), but all I wanted to do was rest. Sadly, I could have used that time to catch up on all of the things I have left on hold to get other things done, but nope. Now, my body and mind feel great… actually, normal… but I have a tonne of things to do and with timelines. No pressure, of course, but what am I really doing? I begin to wonder about what makes me happy.
HAPPY.
My one-word for 2024. I love this word because it’s helping me to remember and reflect on what’s really important to me. It also helps me to value what I value. My perception of others often sounds like (in my head) of what I think or believe what others want from me. When I get caught up in that thinking, I feel that I’m not good enough or can never measure up. In the end, this thinking is not great for my self-confidence or sense of self-efficacy. It paralyzes me. I hope that this is not a me-thing specifically, but it takes some time to muster up the courage to step up.
I return back to my blog for some solace (and thinking time). I also return to my blog to get back into the writing-mode. That’s what I’ve got to do tonight… write. Admittedly, I’ve left this to the last minute, but I could not do this at anytime but now. I needed to rest. Restoration is important to me. Feeling like I’m operating from a feeling of deficit, but I’ve been doing that for years… over and over again. My motivation felt forced and extrinsically motivated. I need to remind myself to do what’s best for me despite what people might say to me or think about me.
SELF-ACCEPTANCE.
Reflection is a source of soul-searching for me. I think about leadership and learning. I wonder about what my future while trying to live in the present. Pleasing others is not a means to self-acceptance. Most times, it leads to more self-betrayal rather than feelings of belonging. In the end, like Brené Brown says, is belonging to self matters most. I don’t need to think about the grass is greener or to keep striving for something I don’t even know that I want. What I do need to focus on is my happiness, being present, and doing what’s important to me.
I am happy. There will always be up moments and down moments. I know that. What needs to remain consistent are the choices I make. I love that word… CONSISTENT. Someone said that to me a couple of weeks ago after my curling game. That night, I was skipping the team and we won the game I loved that game, not because we won and not because I was skipping the team. I felt like I was in the zone, I was present, and I love the game. Every moment and every movement mattered. Not because of the high stakes, but rather for the game itself. 🙂
Ode to taking a moment to breathe… BREATHE… ahh. Feels good. Hello Monday!!
Admittedly, I am a bit “late” on my weekly blog post reflection, but I needed the whole weekend (and a bit more) to rest and recover from last week. For 2024, I wanted to take work at a pace that I wanted to go with and I feel that last week was extraordinary in terms of workload, expectations, and productivity. I feel so grateful to have some grace with a timeline extension, patience and understanding of students, and opportunities to connect with others to make things a bit better.
I can catch my breath now, but I was super tired over the weekend and I almost burned out. I am still a little tired and I had a full 12-hour working day today. I can say tonight, STOP, and take a moment to BREATHE, rest, and blog. I cannot wait to get to bed and have a full night’s sleep. Even this morning I woke a bit anxious thinking about what needed to get done today. I am so glad that all went well. One step at a time… that’s what I need to remind myself… be in the moment. Do you best in the moment. That’s all I can do. And when I do, all works out in the end.
Ha… what a wonderful transition to this week’s blog reflection. THE SCIENCE OF CURLING. When I was in Grade 9, I made a science fair project on the science of curling. I wrote a blog about this before, but it might be in my other WordPress site. Nor here or there, but I remembered why I did that science fair project. I just loved curling. I remember that feeling and I was reminded of that feeling on Friday. Curling on Friday nights is how I end my week before the weekend. This week, it was the late draw. As mentioned, I was so tired from the week. Curling was a lot.
It did not matter. I even left a bit early to meet up with some of my team members to have dinner before the game. Again, I was pooped. I loved my quesadilla, but I was not sure how well the game would go. My skip was still injured, so we had a spare and I was skipping the game again this week. The spare played third (but she is also a skip on other nights). That said, I do enjoy skipping. I forgot that I did. I’m not sure if I forgot, but my confidence and perceived competence to throw the last rock waned for years and I did not want to” rock the boat” joining a new team.
Now being on this team for a few seasons and knowing a few more people of the club, taking over the skip’s position was natural to me and something I wanted to do. I’ve enjoyed the last 2 games skipping and I used to skip competitively in my younger years. Friday’s night game was ALL IN by both teams and we played all 8-ends and I was forced to play my last rock (meaning, the other team did not concede). We had won the game by my last rock, but I threw it anyway to properly close the game. We won 8-4. That’s not the point of my blog post, however.
What I found was my love for curling again. It feels great. I’ve been talking with my assessment class a few weeks ago about the “goods internal to the practice” by Alasdair MacIntyre (1981). I love the moment to moment interactions in the game. I love strategizing. I love throwing the last rock. During that game on Friday, I was so present and IN THE ZONE (with exception of playing a song in my head to keep me awake and focused on the game). The game was not “super serious” but we were all out to play (with the goal of winning the game, but not the focus).
It’s hard to describe this feeling. MacIntyre (1981) would say that the goods internal have no words to describe it. I would agree. Winning, or the goods external, was not the primary drive (for me) during the game. It was the game itself. Miss the shot, make the shot… it did not matter. It was the game itself. Argh. As mentioned, no words to describe the good internal to the practice of curling. But it’s back. I lost this love years ago when soon after the junior provincials and we were “runner-up.” I was motivated externally by another and losing sucked.
Only 3-decades later, I found my love for curling again. INCREDIBLE. I never thought I would find it. I tried and tried… and never succeeded. I had fun and played well at times, but the love was not as intense and clear to me like it was this week. It’s not an overwhelming feeling, but more like a knowing. Despite pure exhaustion from my work week and lack of sleep, I left that game HAPPY. It did not matter the context of each shot, but I took each shot as if they were the same. I was focussed on my technical and intention… and most times it worked out.
I learn so much from CURLING and I am likely going to write more about it. 🙂
I am super grateful for the educators in School District No. 57 (Prince George). It’s been 5-years since I have joined the University of Northern British Columbia at the School of Education. If anything, it’s been a journey… a pedagogical one. I say that, but maybe it was more of a transformative one. On January 18th, I received an email acknowledging my years of service and 5-year milestone at UNBC. I took a huge leap of faith, embroiled with fear, uncertainty, and angst. My life was about to change and I was welcomed to the community by my former math students. I never expected that I would have an instant community when I first arrived.
With this leap of faith and the wonders of Twitter (the former version) and social media where I had a professional learning community in Prince George already. From virtual to in-person, I started meeting people in School District No. 57 with my work at the university in Teacher Education. Where my gratitude comes from is the enthusiasm and willingness by teachers in the school district of whom I’ve met over the years who want to collaborate and share their expertise with teacher candidates. Last week, we had two district numeracy teachers visit my EDUC 400 class in numeracy and I took my EDUC 421 class to Harwin Elementary for in situ.
We are learning about Assessment and Motivation in EDUC 421 with “real students” in real classrooms with the support of the classroom teachers and school administrators. You cannot get better formative feedback. The students will tell you if they were motivated to learn and they will also tell you if the learning target was clear and if the assessment plan was appropriate to assess their learning. What I learned is, the teacher candidates learned a tonne in a very short time. We are returning back to Harwin for 3 more weeks. We first started with the Career Education Curriculum and next will be Arts Education. Fun!!
Teacher candidates are focused on real learning experiences in the teacher education program. I appreciate this collaboration and partnership with Harwin. This “in situ” learning experience will be my third time enacting this way of being that I first learned about when I first came to the teacher education program from a colleague who was also willing to share and collaborate to keep this legacy (or pedagogy) alive within the teacher education program. The numeracy class and visit from the numeracy teachers was also a new experience, but I feel that this relationship will continue within the program and possible research projects.
My love for mathematics (and numeracy) is reignited. I felt that way when I attended the WFATE Conference 2023 last year ant attended a math education workshop. It was so thought provoking and innovative. One step after another, I am learning that I just love mathematics and I want to pursue more work that is focused on math education, math efficacy, and professional development. It may also mean revisiting my dissertation and getting my work out there through publications and a replication study with all grade levels, focused location, and different approach to recruit participants. Overall, it feels good to be reunited.
The elementary teacher candidates will be making a math game for Parent Night. This initiative is part of the imagination of one of the numeracy teachers and I can definitely tag along and support them with scaffolding the learning, providing frameworks for design, and emphasize the importance of numeracy for parents, students, and themselves. I am very excited to see what the teacher candidates come up with. Part of our learning is connecting these games to BC’s Curriculum and what we are learning in the course. We will design, play, and implement. If anything, teacher education has been an excellent way for me to lead for change.
This blog post has been a free-write. I had intended to write about EDUC 400 and EDUC 421, but it became more about my love for learning and my career choices. What a wonderful way to celebrate 5-years at the university. It’s been an learning curve from the beginning and there is something to say about “getting it” or finding your FLOW at the 5-year mark. We say it to new teachers, but it also applies to when you start a new job. I feel like I’m in my flow and I’m really happy. There will be a celebration coming up to celebrate my 5-year milestone with a certificate in the internal mail system, my name mentioned, and a snack or two.
Saturdays. It’s my “be a person day.” I took almost all of 2023 to learn how to stop working and just spend a day being a person. I had no idea how rewarding it feels to do my recycling. I just love it. I live in an apartment building, so I have to bring my recycling to the recycling depot. I do my recycling almost every Saturday. I also love sleeping in on Saturdays and I love going out for breakfast (which is one of my most favourite things to do… especially if it’s at a hotel restaurant). Now, my body just says, NOPE… no work for you!! Today, I filled up my car with gas, picked up a package at the post office, and recycled. It was rewarding and enjoyable. Then my daughter and I went out for lunch. Chinese food was today’s cuisine. I loved it!!
I was told by a couple of colleagues to just take Saturdays off. I never believed them and it took about a year to learn how to REST, to take time for myself, and to do what’s important to me. The latter was the toughest for me. What’s important to me? So much has changed for me. I could say that I would not even recognize myself if I compare myself to who I am today to who I was 10-years ago. I guess that would be a given. People change, but how I feel is incredible. It’s tough to describe. I’ve never been happier and there is a lot of room to be more happier. That’s the exciting part for me. I was even in my “doom scroll” on my phone tonight and saw a post by a colleague reposting an article about suicide and bullying.
Saddened. I empathized with the contents of the post and horrified by the idea that we live our lives in ways that are not authentic to ourselves to the point where taking one’s life is a viable solution to the problem. Honestly, I’ve been there before. I’ve never attempted taking my life, but I can see how dark it can be when we are the recipients of horrid behaviours or doing things that are not aligned to who we are. Then, I flipped back into who I am today. I am happy. I know that HAPPY is my #OneWord2024, but I am well on my way. I can’t wait for what the year has to bring. On my “be a person day” today, I not only did what I’ve just mentioned, but I went grocery shopping, cleaned the fridge, and cooked too.
It’s Saturday night and I love how my body has completely conditioned itself to take the day off. I spent the last year trying to take a day off at least once a week and it’s been wonderful for my mental, physical, and spiritual health. Taking it SLOW was my mantra for the latter half of 2023 and now I feel like I have some sense of control of myself and my well-being to make this work more sustainable. Conversely, I have a TONNE of things to do. Knowing this could make me feel anxious (and it does sometimes), but what I have to remember is, I am doing my best. That’s all I can say. And part of doing my best is to REST and PLAY too.
The first week of teaching went well. I started teaching on Wednesday. It’s the first time for me to teach numeracy. I am excited but it will be a learning curve that I am looking forward to learning more about numeracy and early learners. As mentioned in a previous blog post in October, I just learned that I might be deficient in Spatial Thinking (i.e., no sense of direction, reading issues, etc.). I learned this from the BCAMT conference. I was so engaged and I didn’t know. Moreover, I have invited the district numeracy teacher to share her knowledge and now the district learning commons teacher to talk about manipulatives.
What can I say? I am HAPPY. I am so grateful to have colleagues in the field who want to share their expertise with teacher candidates. I feel very fortunate and humbled. My Thursday’s class could have been a bit better. I struggled a bit because I was trying to redirect the course that was not aligned to what I had originally imagined for the course. I am still thinking about that class and how to navigate next steps. I am super grateful for the students and their adaptability. I ended the week with my Friday’s 4-hour class in assessment and motivation. In this class, I found my flow and reflective of Thursday’s class. It was a good day.
I spent a tonne of time prepping for Friday’s class. 4-hours of prep was intense. In the end, I was really happy with how the class went and I always appreciate relating what I do as a practitioner to (my two “boyfriends”) Parker Palmer and Alasdair MacIntyre. I love my reflective practice. It’s not just about blogging, but I love learning from my experiences. To be able to relate my work to the thinking of Palmer and MacIntyre makes me feel more aligned to my practice. This makes me HAPPY. As you can see, I am trying to align my way to being to my #OneWord.
I’ve been choosing #OneWord for the last 10-years (or maybe a bit less, but close). Often I would choose words that were “should” oriented or “directional.” At least, the intention behind the word I chose for those years. This year is different. I chose a word about BEING. How do I want to be? How do I want to feel? Happy seemed like the best word for me in 2024. And truth, I feel that way. I am also using this word to self-reflect on (i.e., in terms of how the day went, the decisions I’ve made, or how my class went). In the end, I just want to be happy. That’s it.
Being HAPPY has helped me to let things go, to go with the flow, and to do what makes me happy. I hated feeling like I was in the hustle. I’ve done that for years, maybe for decades. I’m in a new place, mentally and spiritually. I am also focused on this year is also my physical health. It has caused me problems over the past few years due to my age and how I’ve been taking care of myself. My commitment is to prioritize myself. I’m learning how to do this. One step at a time. I can do this. What I can say is, the year started really strong… and for this, I’m really happy.
Hello new year… and new start. Feels great!! It’s one of these “traditions” that I have endured for over half a century (yes… I’m becoming one with my age) and I have a new mindset from this wonderful journey called life. Of course, I’ve called this MY PEDAGOGICAL JOURNEY over the last 10+ years since leaving K-12 education as a secondary mathematics teacher and making sense of my career. What I have learned is, even though I was looking through the lens of my career, I was really examining myself and my values. I am acquiring SELF-KNOWLEDGE.
I know that my (academic) “boy friend” Parker Palmer and his work with the Identity and Integrity of a Teacher resonates with me so deeply because I feel that’s what we all need to be striving for. Every year when I read parts of Chapters 1 & 5 of The Courage to Teach I learn something new. Sometimes I think it’s about “readiness” but I am always struck by the narrative of the two professors and how they pursued their careers in academia. One person focused on “fitting in” and the other person integrated his passion (for woodwork) into his teaching practice.
What a wonderful aha. Which professor do I want to be? For a long time I thought that “fitting in” was important (and required of me) to be a “team member” or to belong to a group. In return, I believed that I would be “rewarded” or recognized for this sacrifice. Hmm… I was wrong. To fit in, in the end, becomes an expectation, which is problematic. I am reminded by Brené Brown’s work in “Braving the Wilderness” with respect to belonging and betrayal. To fit in would often involve compromising one’s values and beliefs (i.e., putting yourself aside) to “belong.”
So, when I think about the two professors in Palmer’s (1997) narrative, I was living the life of one of the one who wanted to fit in, but I am certain that I want to be the one that is authentic and truthful to myself (and not worry about the perceptions of others). Palmer (1997) talks about having knowledge of the subject matter, of the students, and of the self. I feel that I have landed. I left teaching K-12 in 2010 because my heart and spirit were broken. I felt misaligned to the system. Ironically, my teaching practice was very aligned to who I was as a person and practitioner.
In 2023, I made a commitment to be more authentic to who I am in my practice. I wanted to approach my practice with honesty, integrity, and trust. To do so, you have to be vulnerable and take risks that may not be widely practiced by others in the system. I wanted to be the learner. I wanted to try new things even though it would not be perfect. I wanted to make connections with the community. I felt that I had accomplished that and by the last semester felt that I was teaching in the same flow when I left teaching. In my practice, I felt very aligned to who I am.
Although this perceived alignment was not aligned to others (in the system), I am learning more about my practice and what feels good to me as a practitioner and to model this learning to my students. Learning, teaching, and leading in the field of education is an act of vulnerability. Having the courage to risk-take, innovate, and speak truth require vulnerability. Sadly, a natural consequence to this work is push-back. Sometimes this push-back (hopefully shared as formative feedback) is not pleasant due to fear. This fear can be experiences by the receiver and myself.
I have also learned in 2023 is, I cannot control my environment. I can only control myself. I have been practicing this understanding throughout the year to let go and to sense-make what does it mean to lead from within (and be true to myself). If I am critically reflecting on the year, despite mixed outcomes, I am learning that I feel so much better about my practice, the profession, and myself when I am true to myself. It’s not about pleasing others or being “liked” but it’s about doing good work by sticking to my values and beliefs staying true to my identity and integrity.
My resolution for 2024 is STAY THE COURSE, be patient, and trust the process. I am listening to myself and my intuition. I need to act in a truthful and authentic way with myself and others. And, kindness and compassion will be at the heart of my work. I will not be driven by fear. I am driven by love, joy, and happiness. If I cannot achieve love, joy or happiness in the work (or play) that I do, I’m not doing it. Sounds mildly dramatic, but its become a boundary for me. I will challenge myself and take the risks that explores my “stretches” through my “strengths.”
I look forward to 2024. Although most of this blog post focused on teaching, I am also focused on my research, service, and self-care. I am reacquainting myself with my dissertation and my original research with a new lens and new mindset. I have intentions to replicate my study, but also explore math efficacy, teacher efficacy, and identity. I am planning to design a research program that is centred around identity and identity development. This year I co-wrote a program evaluation on ethnic identity as a second-generation Asian-Canadian educator in BC schools.
We have different identities depending on the context. I saw a connection with identity and my doctoral work on out-of-field teaching in mathematics education. Anyway, this might be another blog post, but I am very excited to focus on that work in addition to teacher agency in climate education in teacher education and possibly a self-study on being a second-generation Chinese-Canadian in northern BC. If anything, I will be engaging in ethics and applying for grants. I can do this!! There is so much I want to do and learn, and I am READY to jump in right now.
Even when life challenges us, it’s a gift beyond all measure.
What can I say… might as well end this year’s weekly blog posts with a selfie by the ocean. Seems fitting. I might have one more blog post before the actual year ends but I’m anticipating that might be a new year’s blog post or I’m MIA. Who knows? The last 5-years has been a whirlwind of a journey to say the least. Lots of changes. And, I end this year having a conversation with a colleague/friend who made note of my age. Yeesh. Frightening. I feel like I’m in my 30’s but I’m nowhere close. What a rude awakening. That said, I appreciate the truth-telling. I am more open to the truth as of late. I think it’s because I am closer to who I am than I’ve ever been.
The reality of my age came to fruition when I was waiting in line at the medical clinic and listening to the birthdates of folks. Hmm… folks around my age do not look like me (or I don’t look like them) but it was an awakening of becoming more aware of my next steps in my career and life. In January, I officially became a single mom. In April, I traveled to Italy with 2 of my friends (my first trip without family). In August, I got into a car accident with a deer on the highway. In October, one of my good friends was diagnosed with a life changing condition. In December, I find myself living with INTENTIONAL YOLO and GRATITUDE for what life brings.
Admittedly, the year has not been a smooth journey and I have learned a tonne about myself. I am proud to submit a paper with a former teacher candidate (now colleague and friend) a paper about being a second-generation Asian Canadian, identity, and third spaces. The journey from start to end took about 3-years to complete but we were able to collaborate and create a paper that has helped both of us to practice in our work with confidence and efficacy that is true to ourselves. There is something to be said about self-knowledge. Thank you Parker Palmer.
I have also learned (from different situations and experiences) that I am a person who has experienced trauma. If I had to be honest with myself, this is true. I was told by a few people that my behaviour is of a person of trauma. ((deep breath)). And, I’ve lived most of my life as a “model minority” and the real-world does not work that way. No wonder my friends and family worry for me. Finally, my friend called me on doing/knowing what’s important to me. I was shocked, but she was right. What’s really important to me? I’ve been trying to do what’s right (for me).
It’s so easy to focus on the “negative things” (at least for me) but what I have been learning is, I can’t control anything that’s around me. I can’t control what people think of me and I can’t control what people do to me. What I can control is how I react or respond. I can control my thoughts and beliefs. I can control what I do. Admittedly, I had my best teacher year this year (well, it got better over time the closer I got to understand who I am and what I believe in). My teaching almost feels as good as it was when I was teaching high school math in public schools.
I’m still trying to figure things out and where I want to go and where I want to be. What I do know for sure is, I am exactly where I need to be (right now). I’m in the right place and right time to learn more about myself, slow down, and do what makes me happy. The interesting part is, I’m learning more about my research and writing. Identity seems to be a new direction but also I’m reigniting my love and relationship to my doctoral work and dissertation. I am getting excited and my efficacy for research and my writing is developing over time. I am happy. 🙂
