February 4, 2024 – Doing What’s Best for Me

I have never felt more confused. LOL. I have no idea what doing what’s best for me. Often I would let myself believe that I’m doing what’s best for me, but I would overthink it and start to second guess or self-doubt what I am doing. Is this really the best for me? It’s not an easy question for me to answer. Most times, I find myself doing what’s best for others. On the one hand, doing what’s best for others is a good thing, but on the other hand, is it what’s best for me. That inquiry has many layers to consider, of which I am likely not to unpack those reasons here.

The last week or so, I’ve been mindful (not mindful, but noticing) that my body and mind need to rest. I could not help myself. I had a couple cancellations of my “things for me” activities (i.e., beading and curling), but all I wanted to do was rest. Sadly, I could have used that time to catch up on all of the things I have left on hold to get other things done, but nope. Now, my body and mind feel great… actually, normal… but I have a tonne of things to do and with timelines. No pressure, of course, but what am I really doing? I begin to wonder about what makes me happy.

HAPPY.

My one-word for 2024. I love this word because it’s helping me to remember and reflect on what’s really important to me. It also helps me to value what I value. My perception of others often sounds like (in my head) of what I think or believe what others want from me. When I get caught up in that thinking, I feel that I’m not good enough or can never measure up. In the end, this thinking is not great for my self-confidence or sense of self-efficacy. It paralyzes me. I hope that this is not a me-thing specifically, but it takes some time to muster up the courage to step up.

I return back to my blog for some solace (and thinking time). I also return to my blog to get back into the writing-mode. That’s what I’ve got to do tonight… write. Admittedly, I’ve left this to the last minute, but I could not do this at anytime but now. I needed to rest. Restoration is important to me. Feeling like I’m operating from a feeling of deficit, but I’ve been doing that for years… over and over again. My motivation felt forced and extrinsically motivated. I need to remind myself to do what’s best for me despite what people might say to me or think about me.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE.

Reflection is a source of soul-searching for me. I think about leadership and learning. I wonder about what my future while trying to live in the present. Pleasing others is not a means to self-acceptance. Most times, it leads to more self-betrayal rather than feelings of belonging. In the end, like Brené Brown says, is belonging to self matters most. I don’t need to think about the grass is greener or to keep striving for something I don’t even know that I want. What I do need to focus on is my happiness, being present, and doing what’s important to me.

I am happy. There will always be up moments and down moments. I know that. What needs to remain consistent are the choices I make. I love that word… CONSISTENT. Someone said that to me a couple of weeks ago after my curling game. That night, I was skipping the team and we won the game I loved that game, not because we won and not because I was skipping the team. I felt like I was in the zone, I was present, and I love the game. Every moment and every movement mattered. Not because of the high stakes, but rather for the game itself. 🙂