No one says “change is easy.” For example, I wanted to change my name and thus site name for this WordPress site, but I just changed it back to my work name, “Dr. Christine Ho Younghusband.” I changed my Twitter (aka. X) site back to that name as well as my LinkedIN site. My Facebook and Instagram sites are private and I left the name change to “Christine Leigh” and kept my handles as @christinevleigh. I’m still weighing out both names and changed my “work” media back to the original.

I’ve always struggled with my identity. I never liked my name as a kid and I thought that changing my name when I got married would remedy this hate. Nope. I was wrong. It got more complicated. I think it took me about a decade to get used to “Christine Younghusband” when the decade that preceded that one was spent rebranding myself to be “Chris Ho.” On my graduates degrees, I have the name “Alice Christine Ho Younghusband” and changed to that name at the university.

I guess this is why I am so interested in “identity” as part of my writing. For the last couple of years, I’ve been writing about my ethnic identity and teacher education. One’s identity is one that is negotiated with self and the environment. I have been in the struggle and continues to be. That said, I am a firm believer of serendipity. I am interested and curious about my identity and how identities are developed. We have more than one identity. I am looking at teacher and ethnic identities.

After a whirlwind of events over the last 2-weeks that ranged from health issues, knowledge dissemination opportunities, and relationships, I am learning that I need to focus on myself and my needs. One person called it “being selfish” which I don’t disagree with, but being selfish not at the expense of others. What I have been doing was helping others, which was my why, but it was at the expense of me. I have rewritten my why statement and I am taking the steps to focus on me.

Change is traumatic, but what I am learning is, I was a victim of trauma. I learned that I was living a life of a “model minority.” What the??? I had no idea. When I was chatting with a friend, she said… do you believe that if you work hard that you will be rewarded or shoulder tapped? I said yes. She said, you’re wrong. That’s not how the real-world works. Damn. Then my brain zipped into the canneries, the railway, and the gold rush. The Chinese immigrant did not fair well in these situations.

HUH.

I have been in deep reflection and I am transforming. I am learning how to shift my mindset, focus on what I can control, and prioritizing myself in my work and life. Today, for example, I spent my work day at the local Starbucks to work and write. I love this working environment and a friend suggested to me last year to go to a local coffee shop and write. I went to Starbucks when I had to meet people, but this was the first time I went there to write, think, and reflect. It was awesome.

I need to remember this moment and go back to Starbucks to write again. I love the environment. There is food and drinks to purchase and consume. Refills is a thing. And, I was productive. My productivity is in my control and research is “me time.” I am embracing my research agenda and I am grateful that the “Scholarship of Teaching” is focused on my practice. I love having a reflective practice. And, I’m grateful that my writing/research integrates my reflective practice and teaching.

One step at a time…