Have you ever been situated in a life or death situation? For the last few days, I’ve been cognitively paralyzed and for weeks before that… existentially challenged.

On August 6th, I was faced with a life and death situation and feel blessed with the opportunity to continue with my life… and choose my life. I am aware that I might sound a bit dramatic, but as my (Italy traveling) friends said to me this morning, it’s a trauma response. I’ve heard that comment several times before August 6th and I am becoming more aware that I am a person that has experienced lots of trauma.

As alarming that might sound, no one is more alarmed than me. I had no idea. I cannot believe that I am a person of trauma, but looking back on my behaviour, I can see that the situations I seem familiar with and ones that I am drawn to are not ones that are “normal.” I use quotations because what is “normal.” That said, I am keeping secrets, big and small, and I can see how some experiences are not normal.

I am not trying to be self-deprecating or make excuses of any of my past behaviour. What I am doing is taking a moment to sense-make and take a deeper dive into who I am and move into my life with intentionality, kindness, and compassion. I could feel that I was moving out of my midlife unravelling to the last chapter of my life. In the last 5-years, life events have been jarring, but April 6th takes the cake.

Sadly, I needed a catalyst to get my thinking into a place where I value my life and myself. I am important. I thought that I spent most of my #pandemicreflections to determine what’s important to me, but what I was really doing was figuring out what’s important to others (or what I should think it should be). Habits are hard to break, and my good friends brought that to my attention. What are you afraid of?

HAPPINESS.

How horrible. Am I really afraid to be happy? Maybe. Most likely. A part of that is also being happy in my work (despite its difference with others) and valuing my work. Comparing is a soul killer and spending time worrying about what others think is even worse. My identity work is really important to me as it relates to ethnic identity, teacher identity, and mathematics educator/learner identity.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who can tell me what I need to hear but also have the patience with me when I’m not ready to hear. I love that I have folks in my life who love and lift me, and I am humbled to have the life to live and learn. After August 6th, I have an obligation to me to do what’s best for me but also do what I love to do, unapologetically. I am worthy, I have value, and I can be happy.

Truth… what I wanted for others is what I really wanted for myself. I am a grown adult who wears a hoodie, Lulu tights, and Crocs (or Uggs… or Birkenstocks) because I like it, but also… it represents a time when I was my best self. Albeit, I was 13-years old, but it’s a memory of me that reminds me when I was happy, when I was my whole self, and when other people’s opinions did not matter.

I needed an abrupt catalyst on this journey called LIFE to understand deeply the importance of my life and not take it for granted. I feel good. I am happy. 🙂