May 21, 2024 – My Research Program

With each day, I am learning how to let go of those lingering ideas of what “I have to do” and allow warm thoughts of what “I want to do” in my research program. I am reflecting on many conversations I’ve had with many of my mentors. Sadly, I had many folks wanting the best for me, but in the end, I have to want it for myself. This lesson alone was difficult to learn. I have been “should’ing” myself for many years, I did not have a good sense of what I really wanted to do and what was important to me. I have a whole series of blog posts during the pandemic trying to unpack what was important to me, but from the kindness of one of my critical friends almost a year ago (right before my car accident on BC day weekend) said that I did not figure out what was important to me. She asked, what’s important?

I was dumbfounded, but truth, I was trapped by the ongoing mantra to self of what others expect from me and not really addressing what I wanted for myself. I will say, I did not FAIL at what I wanted for myself (meaning, I got my doctorate), but once I achieved this moment, I’ve been floundering somewhat ever since. As a child, I remember writing on piece of paper “Dr. Christine Ho, B.Sc, M.Sc, PhD.” Well, I did not take that exact route, but the intent was ultimately achieved. I should be proud of that achievement… and I am. However, when you hear that achieving goals don’t make you HAPPY, I can honestly say, that is so true. What a false belief and I’ve set plenty of other “goals” and never achieved happiness. This year, my #OneWord2024 is HAPPY. Today, I am learning something different.

It’s the journey that matters. Maybe I was onto something prior to the pandemic when I had a blog series titled my #pedagogical journey. I was in a tailspin after I left teaching in K-12 schools. I spent many years “casting out seeds” and seeing what would catch. What fed my spirit and soul was TEACHING and I got to do that at the university in teacher education, a place I never thought I would be. Moreover, I never thought I would be here, living in northern BC (once again) and venturing through life (alone) with my kid. In the end, I never felt more liberated. There has been up and downs, but I believe much of that involved me resisting or denying the path I need (or should) take to fulfil my purpose (or research program). My research program involves identity, belonging, culture, and my ethnic identity.

Let’s return to the image above, that is, an image of beading I learned during the pandemic from the UBC Indigenous Math Network’s Community Beading Project with Nico Williams. We learned how to bead in community online via Zoom. Luckily, at the time, a friend of mine was also taking the workshop series and we had the opportunity to learn with and from each other. After the workshop series and submitting two of the “hyper-squares” to the project, I continued to practice beading since the workshop series so that I would not forget the patterning or technique shared with us using these beads. I made “hyper-triangle” with glass beads and tried other dimensions like 5- or 6-sides. I’ve learned 4-sides is ideal.

It’s been about over a year since I beaded in this way. Last term, I took a series of beading classes at the Two Rivers Art Gallery which uses different techniques to create different products. I wanted to return back to this beading because I wanted to ensure that I could remember how to do this technique shared by Nico Williams. At first, I could not remember. I was doing it wrong and had to “let it go” and go to bed to try again the next day. The wonders of the brain… and I jumped in and figured out the pattern after looking at one of my other pieces I made prior. I had intended to make this hyper-square for someone important to me and chose the colours accordingly. I opted to mix two patterns, which is different from what I’ve done before, and not sure if it would work out. You don’t know unless you try.

One bead at a time, the project started to exceed my expectations. I started to see patterns and my intentions of creating a checkered pattern worked out too. AMAZING. It’s what I had wanted but unsure how I would make that pattern. Here it is (see below). I could not be happier. There were some obstacles in between, aside from the start of the beading process. The first being, I missed a bead somehow. The joys of beading (i.e., immediate feedback) and having to make a decision. I did not realize this error until I completed a row and noticed the error. Yup. The decision was made. Undo the row and redo. No hard feelings. Now I know and I made a point of being very intentional with what I was doing after completing each side. With beading you have to be 100% present (or else… LOL).

The second mishap was on another day of beading, I was not feeling well. I thought I could work on the beading, but not feeling well was not putting good intentions or feelings into the hyper-square. After a couple of beads, I put the work down, took some medication, and went to bed. Let it go. The next day (aka., today), I was able to complete the project with joy, happiness, and my health. What a wonderful lesson to learn. The beading did not go anywhere and I finished it on time (or in a timely manner). How is beading part of my research program? Beading reminds me of writing. It requires patience, thoughtfulness, presence, perseverance, creativity, love, joy, interest, intentionality, care, critical thinking, patterning, and so much more. During that beading workshop, one of the facilitators suggested that I write about my beading experience. I think I might in an autoethnography.

Returning to this beading brought me hope, joy, and what’s important to me. 🙂