There is nothing I love more than breakfast out. Ideally, it would be breakfast at a hotel, but WhiteSpot works as well. Damn, it was delicious and a treat. Why not?

I don’t have this kind of meal everyday, but there is nothing wrong with splurging once in a while. I am definitely on a strict diet (and not for reasons of weight loss even though that might be helpful), but I don’t want to deny myself from what’s possible. It’s been two weeks since my last blog post. That’s a bit of an anomaly for me since the beginning of the pandemic and I would have felt compelled to write it. I tried a few times last week, but it was nothing that I was prepared to share.

That’s a big idea for me. Sometimes I felt it was my responsibility or duty to share to be accountable to others, but truth, I need to be accountable to myself. I did write a blog post, posted it, then un-posted it. I tried a couple of times to write something else, but it never made completion. In fact, I just forgot about it. I guess it was not meant to be shared, much like this breakfast. Not all of it was eaten, even though it would have been good to finish my meal, it was not meant to be.

Anyway, I have been doing some personal growth and its been fun to observe and wonder about. I am so proud of myself to get a couple manuscripts completed and I am learning how to trust myself. In doing so, I’m understanding my value and worth. Sounds weird, but I feel like I’m waking up… to my life. I can be anywhere and I can be anyone. I’m not dependent on any one thing, person, or place. This clarity in mindset and way of being have been very liberating and exciting too.

Here’s an example of me noticing. My kid is out of town and we are in contact everyday. I was willing to by her a night or two at a hotel with no hesitation. Yet, when I’m organizing a trip for myself, I don’t think I can afford an extra night or two. It’s very odd. My daughter is reluctant to accept my gesture and ironically, I’m reluctant to accept my own gesture… to me. UGH. A huge aha… and I noticed. I am worth it. I’ll apply for a travel grant, but I’m going anyway because I’m worth it.

The hotel resort looks so fancy and I’ve never been to the Big Island before, but I got two paper presentation proposals accepted and I’m going for it. Single author papers based on the Scholarship of Teaching and my practice. How else can I be more honouring to me? This conference would be all about me and the last time I went to this conference was about 10-years ago, then maybe 5-years ago. It’s time to go back again. And, this time, I’m going for me (and not for anyone else). 🙂

My life has pivoted. I’m still the same person, but lots is unravelling… rapidly. I’m open to this transformation. Maybe it’s now time to register for the conference.

Have you ever been situated in a life or death situation? For the last few days, I’ve been cognitively paralyzed and for weeks before that… existentially challenged.

On August 6th, I was faced with a life and death situation and feel blessed with the opportunity to continue with my life… and choose my life. I am aware that I might sound a bit dramatic, but as my (Italy traveling) friends said to me this morning, it’s a trauma response. I’ve heard that comment several times before August 6th and I am becoming more aware that I am a person that has experienced lots of trauma.

As alarming that might sound, no one is more alarmed than me. I had no idea. I cannot believe that I am a person of trauma, but looking back on my behaviour, I can see that the situations I seem familiar with and ones that I am drawn to are not ones that are “normal.” I use quotations because what is “normal.” That said, I am keeping secrets, big and small, and I can see how some experiences are not normal.

I am not trying to be self-deprecating or make excuses of any of my past behaviour. What I am doing is taking a moment to sense-make and take a deeper dive into who I am and move into my life with intentionality, kindness, and compassion. I could feel that I was moving out of my midlife unravelling to the last chapter of my life. In the last 5-years, life events have been jarring, but April 6th takes the cake.

Sadly, I needed a catalyst to get my thinking into a place where I value my life and myself. I am important. I thought that I spent most of my #pandemicreflections to determine what’s important to me, but what I was really doing was figuring out what’s important to others (or what I should think it should be). Habits are hard to break, and my good friends brought that to my attention. What are you afraid of?

HAPPINESS.

How horrible. Am I really afraid to be happy? Maybe. Most likely. A part of that is also being happy in my work (despite its difference with others) and valuing my work. Comparing is a soul killer and spending time worrying about what others think is even worse. My identity work is really important to me as it relates to ethnic identity, teacher identity, and mathematics educator/learner identity.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who can tell me what I need to hear but also have the patience with me when I’m not ready to hear. I love that I have folks in my life who love and lift me, and I am humbled to have the life to live and learn. After August 6th, I have an obligation to me to do what’s best for me but also do what I love to do, unapologetically. I am worthy, I have value, and I can be happy.

Truth… what I wanted for others is what I really wanted for myself. I am a grown adult who wears a hoodie, Lulu tights, and Crocs (or Uggs… or Birkenstocks) because I like it, but also… it represents a time when I was my best self. Albeit, I was 13-years old, but it’s a memory of me that reminds me when I was happy, when I was my whole self, and when other people’s opinions did not matter.

I needed an abrupt catalyst on this journey called LIFE to understand deeply the importance of my life and not take it for granted. I feel good. I am happy. 🙂

August 5, 2023 – Visiting Vancouver

I had an amazing 5-days in the Lower Mainland. Visiting with my family and friends fills my cup. First, I was focused on eating Asian food (particularly Chinese). I called up a few friends and met them in-person in different places in the Lower Mainland (i.e., New Westminster, Burnaby, and Horseshoe Bay). Then, saw my dad, aunties, and siblings. And, I stayed at my twin bro’s place. Moreover, I did some work too.

On August 31st, I submitted a proposal to a conference with a co-researcher. I never thought I would do that, but we did. And, I’m open to feedback. It has a 43-47% acceptance rate, so I’m open to the outcome. On August 4th and 5th, I sent two other conference proposals for January 2024. It feels amazing to focus on my work. And, on August 4th, I learned that a proposal was accepted for October.

I am learning lots and my friends and family have plenty to say. At the core of everything is BE HAPPY. They want me to be happy. They were very provocative, compassionate, and incredibly supportive in their own ways. I am so appreciative of them all. I am so grateful and blessed to have folks who can walk through this change with me. Admittedly, I’m scared and I’m learning more about myself.

Although I ate plenty of dumplings during my time in the Lower Mainland, I am learning how to move through this world for myself. I am learning how to redirect my attention to hone my craft, not compare my work with others, and make decisions that benefit my growth and development. This BIG AHA may sound obvious, but it wasn’t for me. I’m left wondering about unconscious bias.

When something comes to your attention and your biggest fears are realized, you need to pay attention. One of those situations for me was my health. I’ve spent a tonne of time on my mental and emotional wellness and recovery, but my body was being taxed with my stress, trauma, and anxiety. My health scare is somewhat minor, meaning I can manage it. But I will tell you, it has been a wake up call.

You have to live for yourself and live in the moment. I thought I was doing this, but apparently I wasn’t. One lesson after the other over the past year have led me to this place where I am today. I am just about to send an ethics application on a self-study. I’m brought to this decision with all that is emerging in my personal and professional life. Actually, they are one. Parker Palmer: “You teach who you are.”

I went to the Barbie for a second time because the first time I was experiencing a lot of physical pain that I could not pay attention to the nuances of the movie. I giggled throughout but also feel that it was also serendipitous to my existential reflections and understanding that I need to re-direct my life… for me. I have a new vision and I deserve to be happy. I am. I am focused on what makes me happy. 🙂

Thank you to my friends and family. I could not do this work without you!!!

No one says “change is easy.” For example, I wanted to change my name and thus site name for this WordPress site, but I just changed it back to my work name, “Dr. Christine Ho Younghusband.” I changed my Twitter (aka. X) site back to that name as well as my LinkedIN site. My Facebook and Instagram sites are private and I left the name change to “Christine Leigh” and kept my handles as @christinevleigh. I’m still weighing out both names and changed my “work” media back to the original.

I’ve always struggled with my identity. I never liked my name as a kid and I thought that changing my name when I got married would remedy this hate. Nope. I was wrong. It got more complicated. I think it took me about a decade to get used to “Christine Younghusband” when the decade that preceded that one was spent rebranding myself to be “Chris Ho.” On my graduates degrees, I have the name “Alice Christine Ho Younghusband” and changed to that name at the university.

I guess this is why I am so interested in “identity” as part of my writing. For the last couple of years, I’ve been writing about my ethnic identity and teacher education. One’s identity is one that is negotiated with self and the environment. I have been in the struggle and continues to be. That said, I am a firm believer of serendipity. I am interested and curious about my identity and how identities are developed. We have more than one identity. I am looking at teacher and ethnic identities.

After a whirlwind of events over the last 2-weeks that ranged from health issues, knowledge dissemination opportunities, and relationships, I am learning that I need to focus on myself and my needs. One person called it “being selfish” which I don’t disagree with, but being selfish not at the expense of others. What I have been doing was helping others, which was my why, but it was at the expense of me. I have rewritten my why statement and I am taking the steps to focus on me.

Change is traumatic, but what I am learning is, I was a victim of trauma. I learned that I was living a life of a “model minority.” What the??? I had no idea. When I was chatting with a friend, she said… do you believe that if you work hard that you will be rewarded or shoulder tapped? I said yes. She said, you’re wrong. That’s not how the real-world works. Damn. Then my brain zipped into the canneries, the railway, and the gold rush. The Chinese immigrant did not fair well in these situations.

HUH.

I have been in deep reflection and I am transforming. I am learning how to shift my mindset, focus on what I can control, and prioritizing myself in my work and life. Today, for example, I spent my work day at the local Starbucks to work and write. I love this working environment and a friend suggested to me last year to go to a local coffee shop and write. I went to Starbucks when I had to meet people, but this was the first time I went there to write, think, and reflect. It was awesome.

I need to remember this moment and go back to Starbucks to write again. I love the environment. There is food and drinks to purchase and consume. Refills is a thing. And, I was productive. My productivity is in my control and research is “me time.” I am embracing my research agenda and I am grateful that the “Scholarship of Teaching” is focused on my practice. I love having a reflective practice. And, I’m grateful that my writing/research integrates my reflective practice and teaching.

One step at a time…

Friday, July 21, 2023 – A Site Name Change

A series of events have led to this wonderful moment… a site name change. It’s the first day of many and I started the next chapter of my life with an application to change my name,. There will be a tonne of things to change to establish my new name but the application and changing social media feeds is a start. As I look back at my life, I am struck by what was needed to implement any personal change.

Every situation needed a catalyst. Gosh, I love that word as a Chemistry major. According to Google, a catalyst is: (1) a substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change; or (2) a person or thing that precipitates an event. A quick change without being consumed… is brilliant. So when I think about GRATITUDE, I needed a catalyst.

Over a yummy bowl of pho, my kid and I were chatting and before I knew it, she started the name change process. In an instant, I wanted to do the same. I mulled over changing my name and the work required to do it, but it seemed obvious when my kid took the first step. Before my afternoon meeting, I doodled the possibility (singular) and I was convinced. This new name is the name for me.

The history of my name is somewhat annoying and I never really liked my name. I understand that other people have a similar experience. For example, my middle name is my given name. It bothered me since I could remember to be called by my first name. A half a century later, it still does not feel right. “Alice.” Ugh. It’s not right even though my first name sounds beautiful and dreamy in Italian. LOL.

I was also not a fan of my last name (or maiden name). “Ho.” Yes, it’s my family name and it’s also the worst teacher’s name (particularly when it was popular in Saturday Night Live). I think my feelings for my last name is conflated with my experience being a second-generation Chinese Canadian and never feeling comfortable with “oriental” and any racial slurs that were hurtful and gross.

Of course, I got married and adopted the name of my husband. “Younghusband.” No, he’s not young anymore. LOL. It took a long time to shift from “Chris Ho” to “Christine Younghusband.” 18-years later, I was separated and deliberated going back to my maiden name. It seemed like a viable decision at the time to combine my names. “Ho Younghusband.” It took time to adopt, but it was not quite right.

I reached a tipping point and voila… my new name (unofficial). “Christine Vivien Leigh.” Vivien is my mom. She named herself after the actress, Vivien Leigh, when she came to Canada. Leigh will be my daughter’s new last name. We will share the same last name. Having our last names the same is very important to me. So, I delved in and my friend encouraged me to change my name on social media.

Weirdly, changing my name on my social media feeds was scary, and I changed my handles as well. I thought the next natural step was change the site name of my portfolio. I am no longer married, my daughter is growing up, and it’s time to live the last chapter of my life for me. I had a few tough lessons and critical friends and mentors who are helping me to move in a direction that is authentic to who I am.

“Dr. Christine Leigh.” It’s a new path. I only have gratitude to those who have motivated me to take this new path and providing more clarity for me to see what’s really important to me and what’s possible. I am very excited for the next chapter and I am prepared for the turbulence, the joy, and the unexpected. I cannot imagine a better way. The identity & integrity of a teacher… here I am.

I’ve decided to return back to my original modality of blogging which is writing when I’m inspired. Thunder is roaring in the background. We almost lost power (and my kid just informed me that the power went out just down the street). The lightning is fierce and metaphorically and serendipitously, it’s time to write.

I started blogging more than 10-years ago as a means to improve my writing skills. Admittedly, English as a subject area has not been my strongest and I am very self-conscious of my reading skills and writing skills. It’s hard to believe that I have completed a dissertation for my doctorate degree, but I had to learn how to write.

Hmm… What a wonderful story to return back to. I was so fearful to show this “stretch” to others that I had only “exposed” my writing skills to those I trusted. Due to my lack of trust in myself and my skills, it was really difficult to ask for help. I feel blessed to have a MEd classmate and colleague who was willing to help me.

It was blood, sweat, and tears. English is my first language, but I did not realize the impact of English as a second dialect. I had to learn how to write. I had to learn about ideas like parallelism. All that I remember from high school English were run-on sentences and fragments. “Read your paper out loud to edit your paper.”

Honestly, that advice did not help me. I tried, but it sounded ok to me. Even in first year university I took a “how to pass the ECT” continuing education course to learn “how to do English.” Remembering and sharing this information about me is humbling and yet I am reminded of the importance of asking for help and learning.

Learning is not easy. It’s not suppose to be in some ways. The more work invested, at least for me, equated to the worthwhileness of the learning. I became a high school math and science teacher for a reason and most of my career was in math. When I could see the connection between math and English, magic happened.

The writing process helps me to think out ideas to sense-make what is ruminating in my mind. I appreciate the writing process (as well as doodling) to create or sort out ideas. So, in this blog post, I am realizing that it’s time for change. Ask for help. And lean on and listen to critical friends who hold space for you. I feel very lucky.

I know that I was counting weeks, like I did during my #pandemicreflections on my previous website and this one. The blog series was for 164 weeks (even though I cheated a bit at the very end by combining 4 blog posts into one). Of course it’s ok to bend the rules from time to time and maintaining a weekly blog works for my rate of pace for reflection and writing. That said, I do have these moments when I feel inspired to reflect. The writing process helps me to sense-make and wonder.

What I have been fascinated by the blogging process is that often what I had intended to write would re-navigate into something else. I was reminded of that notion when I had a meeting this morning with a graduate student and listening to them about the pages they have made for their portfolio as a capstone for their program. It’s been an amazing journey working with them. I love being a coach to help them to reflect, self-actualize, and synthesize their learning and what’s next.

I am reflecting on the value of numbering off my blog posts after concluding my pandemic reflection series. That series was a source of entertainment for me thinking that it would conclude after 10-weeks or so. The pandemic did not “end” for another 150 weeks and it ended up being a weekly blog post reflection about what’s important to me. I was experiencing many life changes and the pandemic offered an opportunity to pause and reflect on the meaning of life and its so what.

Although I have opted to restart a new weekly blog series and numbering off each week, I have not determined the intended end date. I have ended my #patiopic from Twitter today. Again, this daily Twitter post was a source of entertainment for me and I was mildly surprised to learn that folks were following it on their Twitter feed. The kind words and surprise comments that they know me from my daily #patiopic, was heartwarming and I’m pleased that others recognize its joy.

I’m at a place right now where I feel that I need to reassess what I am really doing. Over and over again, I am reminded that I need to think about what’s best for me. It startles me each time someone brings that to my attention because I have been so oriented on the idea of serving others and not prioritizing my needs or values. I wanted this weekly blog series to be about GRATITUDE but I’m realizing its more than being appreciated for what I have, but it can also include where I want to be.

Part of my why is focused on empowering, enabling, and helping others, but in doing so, I’m not empowering, enabling, or helping myself. I put my needs aside. I am reminded by the lessons my mom has been trying to share with me, even to her last days of life. I was talking about her with one of my high school friends during my trip to Victoria, BC. She asked me what the lesson was. It’s understanding my value. My ideas and thinking are different, but it does not make me less than.

Stepping away from things to invite other things in to my life is what I am learning to do. I can only speak my truth and sometimes that might be feel isolating and lonely. What I do know is, I have folks who have my back and find solace in that. I might continue my blogging experience but maybe it’s not going to be numbered off. It might just go back to my original framework of BEING INSPIRED or maybe it might be about the new journey I am about to embark on. Either way, it’s all good.

Week 9 – July 17, 2023 – Centering Myself

I just got back home from an amazing conference in Victoria, BC. It was WFATE – The World Federation of Associations of Teacher Education Conference at UVic. I drove to Victoria with one of my writing partners, Melanie, who thank goodness drove more than half her share and was there to support me in many ways. I feel very lucky to collaborating and working with Melanie. She is a former teacher candidate (now teacher) and we are writing a program evaluation about our experience presenting at BCTEN (BC Teacher Education Network) in 2021.

We presented this work at a Round Table session at Congress 2023 in May at York University and presented our work as a Poster Presentation at WFATE. We have been working collaboratively for the last couple of years (as the “check”) in this reflective process and we are making excellent progress. We hope to submit a proposal for a Paper Presentation at AERA (American Education Research Association) for the 2024 conference in Philadelphia. I am appreciating the progression of this learning/research process and what we are learning together.

I also had the chance to present with two of my colleagues, Dr. David Litz and Glen Thielmann (PhD Candidate) on work that is led by Dr. Hart Banack with adjunct professor Dr. Alex Lautensach. We work with a GRA (graduate research assistant) and have been working actively on a project called “Climate Education in Teacher Education” (CETE) over the last year and have established some seed funding to support this work. We presented a Workshop Presentation at WFATE using the Selma Wasserman’s “Play, Debrief, Replay” framework for small group discussion.

The three of us co-presented well by taking parts of the presentation to introduce the project and engage small groups to talk about climate action, climate change education, and what they could do in their current work to implement change. The engagement was very good and interest from those who participated in the workshop. It was also good to work with David and Glen in person. Most times we are meeting on Zoom for our project so it was nice to work together at WFATE.

I was invited by Dr. Kathy Sanford to participate in the “fishbowl” activity called “COLLABORATE: Exploring Teacher Education Through Collaborations.” It was an honour to be one of seven people from the conference and BC Education to be in the “inner circle” of the activity. I also had the opportunity to reconnect with my good friend Brad Baker, the Associate Superintendent of Indigenous Education. I love talking to him and the straight-talk we have about BC Education. He was also very affirming of my findings in the program evaluation Poster Presentation.

In the fish bowl activity, I followed him. Speaking to the “outer circle” was optional and voluntary in terms of speaking order. I spoke about the collaborations with “in situ” learning at Harwin Elementary for EDUC 391 (Experiential Practicum) and EDUC 421 (Assessment and Motivation). I also mentioned EDUC 405 (Reflective Practice and Inquiry Through Portfolios) as part of this work and serendipitous collaboration with the teaching staff, administration, IEWs (Indigenous Education Workers), CUPE members, and the students. We were all teaching and learning together to achieve a common goal. Harwin this year is a highlight of my career.

My fourth presentation at WFATE was a Paper Presentation talking about the program’s signature pedagogy People, Place, and Land. Susan Johnston was unable to join us due to illness, but Glen and I presented this program evaluation. We spoke about how the signature pedagogy was developed during the redesign of the B.Ed. Program and how each of us as faculty members have interpreted the signature pedagogy into our practice. We provided three vignettes to represent each emphasis of People, Place, and Land and suggested that we are still figuring it out, with the disclaimer that the signature pedagogy can have depth and breadth.

During our presentation, I spoke about LAND and our learning experience at West Lake Provincial Park. I described the significance of this place and learning with and from each other in small groups, but emphasized learning from the land and about the land. I even provided an example of one student’s experience. I could feel the audience pause for a moment, but the next presenter took that example and used it in context to their paper presentation. I thought it was so amazing. I loved the person’s work, but also loved that they were able to make connections to our presentation to her presentation. I am going to follow up with her, for sure.

WFATE was a four day conference for me. I attended the pre-conference and met some amazing people from around the world and across the country. I attended 5 sessions on the first day of WFATE and loved every session. I was so engaged and found the content relevant and inspiring. And then four presentations in last two-days with some learning on the last day. My cup is full. It’s so wonderful to reunite with many wonderful people who are in teacher education, but also meet people who have similar mindsets. I feel humbled and happy to make these connections.

After each day of the conference, I was able to socialize and make connections outside of the conference. One day I met up with a childhood friend from elementary school who is also a BC Educator in teacher education. I met up with another childhood friend from high school. Talking with her was like no time had passed even though it was about a decade since we last chatted. Another night I went out with folks from BCTEN and their friends, and the last night with a colleague and friend who lives in Victoria. I could not meet everybody and I did not expect new connections to ask me to go out (and they did). It was too much fun.

I had an excellent time at WFATE 2023. I am so grateful for all of the kind words and complements on my work and I loved learning from others. I have met new people to make future collaborations and I have made some new friends (one of which walked around downtown Victoria with me after dinner). It was a good feeling to connect with everyone at WFATE. It felt familiar and I appreciated the wholehearted and authentic relationships I had encountered. This was my place. Favourite memories are those folks who approached me and Melanie about our poster and giving compliments for the framework, findings, and conclusion.

I loved laughing with folks from UNB (University of New Brunswick) and folks from international programs. I learned a lot from these connections and I was so grateful as to how friendly and kind everyone was. Thank you to the volunteers and conference organizers. I am anticipating WFATE 2025. Thank you for this wonderful learning experience. My eyes are open and ready for more. 🙂

Week 8 – July 8, 2023 – All Making Sense

Double 8. Must be a lucky day. Look at these two. What a wonderful surprise to see them yesterday at the bookstore. They are a couple of former students who took a couple of my classes last year. I adored having these two in my classes. They made the learning experience more rich despite the fact the classes were online. I also learned that they recently wrote their comprehensive exam and they have completed their MEd degrees. Incredible news. I loved seeing these two in person.

I then met up with another former student. We developed a relationship from the BEd program and we stayed in touch. I enjoy talking with them and I appreciate the personal work they are engaged in. I can relate to that person’s journey and we have some intersections that make sense-making viable and productive. During our conversation, I was sharing a metaphor of how I perceived part of my life and about letting go. It was the first time I said (out loud), “I was afraid to walk alone.”

Saying that out loud was such an aha that I did not acknowledge. Then I said, when you do embark whatever it is alone, you realize that others are walking beside you. Now, looking back, I see that. I was reminded of the importance of teaching for me and the reciprocity that’s created in those relationships. Now, I am reading a book on Participatory Action Research (that I have procrastinated) that is pulling on my heartstrings. I can see why I was avoiding this book. The contents are my passion.

I am brought to a conversation I had with one of my mentors last week. Do what you are passionate about. That’s what’s going to sustain my work. I can see that. I appreciate the collaborations I have right now with research and I am incredibly grateful to those who will share truth with me and who can see my potential and work. I think that’s what matters and what I need to do is to keep doing what I am doing and keep learning to get better at what I am doing. I think I can do this!!!

Is “research efficacy” a thing? I have no idea, but I am mustering the inner strength to do so. I cannot believe how much inside work I had to ensure (and will likely continue to do this inner work) to get to where I am today. The unpacking continues and in the end, the belief and confidence are in myself, and belonging is with myself. This inner understanding is being “selfish” in the negative connotation but it’s more about self compassion and “standing tall” in the work that I do.

It’s all starting to make sense. Finally. It feels great. Admittedly, I had 2-days of blah, but sometimes I think that you have to take a pause to clear the mind, reflect, and wonder. For me, the quiet time helps me to realize what I do enjoy and love. I’ve been so focused on REST, I am ready to jump in with two-feet. These themes keep iterating with me, but I think this is the first time I really feel it versus just wanting or dreaming about it. This moment is a moment of clarity. Feels great!!

Here’s an extra blog post. I’ve been sick for the last 10-days or so and I’m not yet 100%, but I’m working on it. I have not left home, really, and I’ve been playing the fridge/freezer game as well. I love playing the game. I forces you to be creative with what you have (but also throw out all of the food that’s rotten or expired). Although I’ve been sick, it’s been a good way to slow down and recalibrate.

I had the hankering to blog again. I used to blog when I was inspired or wanted to, but the weekly created a good framework during the #pandemicreflections. That blog series got ridiculous when I thought it would be a dozen blogs, not 160. Now I’m thinking what the weekly tally is for? My last blog series ended when I came back from Italy. Maybe, this new blog series will end when I go back to Italy.

My friends and I were just chatting on FB Messenger with hopes and dreams for our “Turin 2025” trip and fantasies about co-owning a place in Verona. Ahhh… Dare to dream. Looking at properties in Italy together was so much better than my nightly scroll through MLS Prince George. It was so dreamy. It never hurts to have goals, but I’m also open to travel and going to places to learn and meet people.

This long weekend had been an excellent time to be grateful. First, I am very grateful for my health and I am determined not to take it for granted. Being sick has not been a great experience. I didn’t even bother testing if I had COVID. Based on Google, I had COVID and I have no idea where and when I got it. You cannot put your guard down. Oddly, being sick forced me to slow down and prioritize my time.

Second, I am grateful for my life. I have a place to live, I live with my kid, and I have a job I enjoy. I am always learning. It’s been a journey to get where I am today. I am often humbled and grateful for my friends and family for being there me. I feel that the journey is about feeling and being happy. I’m not sure what that exactly means, but I’m enjoying the path that I’m on now. The messiness was somehow worth it.

Finally, I am grateful for meandering through life. I am a bit slow, but I am ok with that. SLOW is not a bad thing. It’s my pace. I am learning about what brings me joy. I feel so thankful to my mentors. They are helping me to navigate the academia world and to figure out my research program. Whatever I am engaged in should be my passion and to focus on the process, not the outcome. Rejection is common.

I live a privileged life. I am so grateful to my parents who immigrated into Canada from Hong Kong. Although I am coming to terms with my ethnic identity as a second-generation Chinese Canadian and would like to learn more about my heritage as I embark on writing about book about my mom, I am so grateful for the sacrifices they have made to me and my siblings so that we can life a good life.

I miss my mom greatly and one of the things she said while I was taking care of her during her last 20-days was, “I’m missing out on my golden years.” My mom was 80. During the 20-days, I watched the 5-stages of grief with my mother. She was an amazing woman. You can’t play it safe all of the time and taking risks is part of the journey. My mom was a powerful person. She was a hard worker. I miss her much.

I’m guessing why I am brought to this blog post is to realize that maybe my mom and my journey into book writing will be part of blogging as well as developing my research program. Because I’m not tenure-track, I am really working at my own pace and my research is really just for me, which I would in turn share with others. This aha brings me a lot of solace. I am finally where I want to be. I am grateful.