Category: Uncategorised (Page 7 of 11)

September 24, 2023 – Slowing Down is OK

Deep breath. The first three-weeks of start-up and back to school was rigorous to say the least. My body, mind, and spirit were so tired and demanded sleep and rest. I am starting to feel more like myself and I am grateful to this weekend to get back to life and myself. My first good night’s sleep was on Thursday night. I could not keep my eyes open and I went to bed early. Doing that was very unusual for me.

I was exhausted. I’m not sure what I was thinking when I had thought I could teach 5 courses, supervise one master’s student, and be on committee for two other students on top of contributing to my research program and service work I am committed to. Two of my courses are not typical. One is practicum supervision and the other is portfolio, so there is some flex in my schedule that starts this week.

My classes started well and I just hope I can maintain the quality of teaching but also delve back into my writing and get a few papers out for publication. The last three weeks have been a reality check and I can only do what I can do. There is no failure. I am doing the best that I can. And some days, 80% is ok. If that’s what I have, that’s what I can give. There is no harm in that and it’s still pretty good.

REALISTIC GOALS.

Finding balance in teaching, regardless if it’s in K-12 or in higher education, is something that I have wrestled with as an educator for the last 3 decades. Now, I am at an age when I can do “all-nighters” anymore or not eat throughout the day. My body is unable to handle that kind of stress anymore on top of the stress of the job and perceived stress that may or may not be really there. I need to slow down.

A long story made short, I’ve been focused on my health for the last few months. I went to the doctor this weekend and went for more bloodwork, made referrals, and renewed some prescriptions. My body is talking to me. The car accident I had during the summer helped me to gain perspective about life, work, wellness, and self-care. Now, I see the consequences of not taking care of myself over time.

I am thankful that I am going to the doctor and there are some actions I can take to make my health better. For example, I just completed a mini-kettlebell workout in my apartment this afternoon (thank goodness for YouTube), I’m saying no to the conference in Hawaii (no conference hotel rooms available and costs are too high), and I have mapped out an eating plan that will minimize some of my symptoms.

HOPE.

That’s what I am grateful for. There is still something I can do and it’s not terminal. Part of valuing myself is not just in the mind and spirit, but also the body. My body is yelling at me and finally… I am listening. I am resting this weekend without guilt. I have met minimum expectations because that’s what my mind was ready to do. I also cleaned my apartment this weekend, did laundry, and cooked. It feels good.

Now, I feel rested and ready to get back to work… in a good way. Rest is a form of kindness and compassion for self. I can take a deep breath. Even though I have a tonne of work piling up in front of me, I can only do what I can do and I will do the best that I can. I am confident I am doing my job and I am doing it well. What I need to do well is taking care of myself, listen to my intuition and body, and respond.

I feel good today. A full weekend of Hallmark movies, taking time to rest and sleep, spending time with friends and family, and blogging… makes me happy. I am also supporting teacher candidates and graduates students too, but I’m also part of the formula. Returning to Parker Palmer’s Heart of a Teacher with my classes reminds me that I am part of the equation of “good teaching.” Self-knowledge is good. 🙂

September 14, 2023 – Classes Officially Start

I know that classes started last week for universities, but normally the first week entails the course syllabus and some introductory activities to establish norms. This image is of my EDUC 394 class and us participating in Dr. Peter Liljedahl’s Building Thinking Classrooms with random groupings, non-permanent vertical surfaces, and TRIADS (or groups of three). It’s Week 2 and this is our first class.

I love teaching EDUC 394 (Pedagogy, Curriculum, and Teaching – Theory in Practice). It’s my third time to teach this course in the last 4-years of the program implementation of the redesigned curriculum. The first time I taught this course, I taught it online with both cohorts during the pandemic. The year after, I did not teach this course. And, last year I taught the course with the elementary cohort.

This year I am teaching this course with both cohorts, elementary and secondary, but it’s in-person. Now, we are looking at teaching and learning K-12. We started the course with Parker Palmer’s “Heart of a Teacher: Identity and Integrity of a Teacher” (1997). I love the idea that teaching is the interweaving of the subject matter, the students, and the teacher. Self-knowledge is key to one’s success.

I’ve been working on understanding myself for many years and it may become the underpinning of my research program. With each course I always ground myself in the work of Parker Palmer. I am rudely or nicely reminded of the importance of loving what you do and integrating oneself into their practice. It’s the love for the subject matter, love for your students, and love for oneself. I am learning this.

Parker said that teaching is a vulnerable act. Brené Brown says that learning is an act of vulnerability. I say, there is no difference between teaching and learning. My hope for teacher candidates is to become expert LEARNERS (not expert teachers). I used CANNED PEACHES as my metaphor for learning this year in this course. I learned last week how to can peaches and it was an amazing learning experience.

But, the idea of BEST PRACTICE and a fresh peach. Over time, that best practice rots over time. Best practice is never static. If we keep to a best practice over time, it no longer becomes a best practice. Things change over time, much like a peach. So, we want to preserve the fruit. Although it’s not the name after it’s canned, it’s still a peach. Sweet and delicious. That’s the part of practice that needs to linger.

With Block 5 teacher candidates heading into practicum, Block 1 is an opportunity to renew and refresh. I’ve learned a tonne from the crew who are currently in Block 5 and I am so happy to bring all of the good things that we learned together to this new group in EDUC 394 and EDUC 405. I am only going to bring the good things and find opportunities to learn something new as well. That’s the true joy.

September 8, 2023 – Saying Goodbye – Closing Circle

My last in-person class with EDUC 405 (Block 5) happened last week at West Lake Provincial Park. It was a beautiful fall morning and everyone was in attendance and on-time. The morning exceeded my expectations. One student brought a propane fire, another student notified the cohort to bring lawn chairs, and another student brought food. To my surprise, another student organized a personalized card and gift that I was deeply moved and touched. They really got me. Grateful.

We first met in Block 1 one year ago in EDUC 405 and EDUC 394. We continued our relationship in Block 2 in EDUC 405, EDUC 391, and EDUC 421. To have two terms with one cohort in 4-courses has been extraordinary and something I know I will be writing about as a program evaluation. What is noteworthy about this crew was all of the things that we are able to explore and accomplish in these courses. They made me believe what is truly possible and we achieved so much together.

The moment of connection happened one month into our teaching and learning relationship within this 16-month teacher education program. I collaborated with the other EDUC 405 instructor to organize a fire circle event with the UHNBC drummers to recognize the National Day of Truth and Reconciliation. It was a memorable day and had a huge impact on both cohorts. It was an amazing day!!

After the fire circle event, my cohort took photos with the UHNBC drummers, some student volunteers from my class extinguished the fire they created, and then our class formed a circle to decide what we wanted to do for next class. Due to the funeral of the queen and rescheduling of dates, we could of gone to West Lake Provincial Park as originally planned or attend a Pro-D presentation online.

We reflected on the fire circle experience with “two-words” and then I posed the choice to the cohort to get their feedback on what they wanted to do. We went around the circle again and students either voted for no preference or going to West Lake. We decided to go to West Lake and at that moment, I knew we had connection. We met on the land to learn from the land after that long weekend.

I remember that morning. It was the day after my birthday. I just returned from Vancouver and Michael Bublé concert. I was already pretty happy, but going to West Lake as a class that Monday morning was a beautiful fall day. The colour of the trees were golden and gorgeous. The lake was covered by fog and we could see our breath. We connected to the water, the land, and each other. Amazing!!

On September 8th, we returned back to the water, the land, and each other. The day was much warmer and blue algae plagued the water. It didn’t matter. We had a moment together to reflect, wonder, and say goodbye. That said, it’s never easy to say goodbye. Admittedly, I missed this crew over the last 4-months. I did not have class with them with exception to EDUC 405, but it was delivered asynchronously.

There were some messy moments but every moment is a learning opportunity. I learned a lot as well when I was not with them. The journey and everything in between was amazing and meant to be. I believe in serendipity. We landed on our feet and moving forward. This crew helped me to complete my portfolio and I am super excited for them in the final 4-months of the program during practicum.

Hello September. My kid and I are getting ready for the fall. School is starting. I say that quietly. We are both now home and we love spending some time together on the weekend. We did a few errands this morning and we had a big breakfast at White Spot. I love going there. It’s about as close as having a hotel breakfast. It’s one of my favourite things to do. I love it even more when I can be with my kid.

My friend took me to the farmers market last weekend and I just looked around to get the lay of the land. There are two farmer markets downtown and I have not been to one of them before. We went early in the morning last week and my friend goes every weekend with her other friend. She has routines and favourite vendors. It was fun to see such a community oriented event and I enjoyed watching people.

After breakfast this morning, my kid and I went to the farmers market. It was later in the day, so the $5.00 farm eggs and artesian loaves of fresh baked bread were not available. And, piles of vegetables were not piled as high as they were from what I remembered last week when I first went. This is a good problem. My kid saw the sunflowers and we could not help ourselves. It was our first purchase.

We walked over to the second farmers market. It’s downtown Prince George and we walked passed folks who were sitting in corners and door sills along the street. On the one hand, it could be perceived as unsafe. My kid will often do what it takes to protect me. I’m a little naive that way. On the other hand, my heart was broken. We walked passed one person and he was putting hotel lotion on an open wound.

I could not un-see what I saw. My heart was heavy and my kid tried to console me. It was a beautiful sunny day. There was no smoke and there was a cool breeze. It was a short walk to the next market and we purchased peaches, nectarines, plums, and green beans. My kid even bought a crocheted flower pot hanging from one of the vendors and I learned that there were three different plums to choose from.

We meandered back to the car, I put our recent purchases in the car, and my kid went to the trunk of her car. She took out gauze, a wrap, and two wipes from her first aid kit. She’s in the nursing program. I looked at her and she heard my plea about helping that person we saw a few moments ago. She drove to where they were and asked me if I wanted her to go help the person. I said yes and she did.

I watched the interaction from the car. She recognized the person and approached him with compassion and kindness. I saw that she gave him a few instructions of what she was about to give him and accepted the first aid supplies graciously and with gratitude. The interaction was wholehearted and full of humanity. I cried. My kid returned to the car and wondered why I was crying. She wanted me to stop.

Eventually I stopped crying when we drove away, but I was overwhelmed. I love how my kid gets frustrated with me and my involuntary behaviours like crying, for example. Anyway, I am proud of my kid. She is in the right profession and I love that she still speaks about medical school and nursing is the first step. She is going to change the world. I have no doubt or question. She has surpassed me 10-fold.

There is nothing I love more than breakfast out. Ideally, it would be breakfast at a hotel, but WhiteSpot works as well. Damn, it was delicious and a treat. Why not?

I don’t have this kind of meal everyday, but there is nothing wrong with splurging once in a while. I am definitely on a strict diet (and not for reasons of weight loss even though that might be helpful), but I don’t want to deny myself from what’s possible. It’s been two weeks since my last blog post. That’s a bit of an anomaly for me since the beginning of the pandemic and I would have felt compelled to write it. I tried a few times last week, but it was nothing that I was prepared to share.

That’s a big idea for me. Sometimes I felt it was my responsibility or duty to share to be accountable to others, but truth, I need to be accountable to myself. I did write a blog post, posted it, then un-posted it. I tried a couple of times to write something else, but it never made completion. In fact, I just forgot about it. I guess it was not meant to be shared, much like this breakfast. Not all of it was eaten, even though it would have been good to finish my meal, it was not meant to be.

Anyway, I have been doing some personal growth and its been fun to observe and wonder about. I am so proud of myself to get a couple manuscripts completed and I am learning how to trust myself. In doing so, I’m understanding my value and worth. Sounds weird, but I feel like I’m waking up… to my life. I can be anywhere and I can be anyone. I’m not dependent on any one thing, person, or place. This clarity in mindset and way of being have been very liberating and exciting too.

Here’s an example of me noticing. My kid is out of town and we are in contact everyday. I was willing to by her a night or two at a hotel with no hesitation. Yet, when I’m organizing a trip for myself, I don’t think I can afford an extra night or two. It’s very odd. My daughter is reluctant to accept my gesture and ironically, I’m reluctant to accept my own gesture… to me. UGH. A huge aha… and I noticed. I am worth it. I’ll apply for a travel grant, but I’m going anyway because I’m worth it.

The hotel resort looks so fancy and I’ve never been to the Big Island before, but I got two paper presentation proposals accepted and I’m going for it. Single author papers based on the Scholarship of Teaching and my practice. How else can I be more honouring to me? This conference would be all about me and the last time I went to this conference was about 10-years ago, then maybe 5-years ago. It’s time to go back again. And, this time, I’m going for me (and not for anyone else). 🙂

My life has pivoted. I’m still the same person, but lots is unravelling… rapidly. I’m open to this transformation. Maybe it’s now time to register for the conference.

Have you ever been situated in a life or death situation? For the last few days, I’ve been cognitively paralyzed and for weeks before that… existentially challenged.

On August 6th, I was faced with a life and death situation and feel blessed with the opportunity to continue with my life… and choose my life. I am aware that I might sound a bit dramatic, but as my (Italy traveling) friends said to me this morning, it’s a trauma response. I’ve heard that comment several times before August 6th and I am becoming more aware that I am a person that has experienced lots of trauma.

As alarming that might sound, no one is more alarmed than me. I had no idea. I cannot believe that I am a person of trauma, but looking back on my behaviour, I can see that the situations I seem familiar with and ones that I am drawn to are not ones that are “normal.” I use quotations because what is “normal.” That said, I am keeping secrets, big and small, and I can see how some experiences are not normal.

I am not trying to be self-deprecating or make excuses of any of my past behaviour. What I am doing is taking a moment to sense-make and take a deeper dive into who I am and move into my life with intentionality, kindness, and compassion. I could feel that I was moving out of my midlife unravelling to the last chapter of my life. In the last 5-years, life events have been jarring, but April 6th takes the cake.

Sadly, I needed a catalyst to get my thinking into a place where I value my life and myself. I am important. I thought that I spent most of my #pandemicreflections to determine what’s important to me, but what I was really doing was figuring out what’s important to others (or what I should think it should be). Habits are hard to break, and my good friends brought that to my attention. What are you afraid of?

HAPPINESS.

How horrible. Am I really afraid to be happy? Maybe. Most likely. A part of that is also being happy in my work (despite its difference with others) and valuing my work. Comparing is a soul killer and spending time worrying about what others think is even worse. My identity work is really important to me as it relates to ethnic identity, teacher identity, and mathematics educator/learner identity.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who can tell me what I need to hear but also have the patience with me when I’m not ready to hear. I love that I have folks in my life who love and lift me, and I am humbled to have the life to live and learn. After August 6th, I have an obligation to me to do what’s best for me but also do what I love to do, unapologetically. I am worthy, I have value, and I can be happy.

Truth… what I wanted for others is what I really wanted for myself. I am a grown adult who wears a hoodie, Lulu tights, and Crocs (or Uggs… or Birkenstocks) because I like it, but also… it represents a time when I was my best self. Albeit, I was 13-years old, but it’s a memory of me that reminds me when I was happy, when I was my whole self, and when other people’s opinions did not matter.

I needed an abrupt catalyst on this journey called LIFE to understand deeply the importance of my life and not take it for granted. I feel good. I am happy. 🙂

August 5, 2023 – Visiting Vancouver

I had an amazing 5-days in the Lower Mainland. Visiting with my family and friends fills my cup. First, I was focused on eating Asian food (particularly Chinese). I called up a few friends and met them in-person in different places in the Lower Mainland (i.e., New Westminster, Burnaby, and Horseshoe Bay). Then, saw my dad, aunties, and siblings. And, I stayed at my twin bro’s place. Moreover, I did some work too.

On August 31st, I submitted a proposal to a conference with a co-researcher. I never thought I would do that, but we did. And, I’m open to feedback. It has a 43-47% acceptance rate, so I’m open to the outcome. On August 4th and 5th, I sent two other conference proposals for January 2024. It feels amazing to focus on my work. And, on August 4th, I learned that a proposal was accepted for October.

I am learning lots and my friends and family have plenty to say. At the core of everything is BE HAPPY. They want me to be happy. They were very provocative, compassionate, and incredibly supportive in their own ways. I am so appreciative of them all. I am so grateful and blessed to have folks who can walk through this change with me. Admittedly, I’m scared and I’m learning more about myself.

Although I ate plenty of dumplings during my time in the Lower Mainland, I am learning how to move through this world for myself. I am learning how to redirect my attention to hone my craft, not compare my work with others, and make decisions that benefit my growth and development. This BIG AHA may sound obvious, but it wasn’t for me. I’m left wondering about unconscious bias.

When something comes to your attention and your biggest fears are realized, you need to pay attention. One of those situations for me was my health. I’ve spent a tonne of time on my mental and emotional wellness and recovery, but my body was being taxed with my stress, trauma, and anxiety. My health scare is somewhat minor, meaning I can manage it. But I will tell you, it has been a wake up call.

You have to live for yourself and live in the moment. I thought I was doing this, but apparently I wasn’t. One lesson after the other over the past year have led me to this place where I am today. I am just about to send an ethics application on a self-study. I’m brought to this decision with all that is emerging in my personal and professional life. Actually, they are one. Parker Palmer: “You teach who you are.”

I went to the Barbie for a second time because the first time I was experiencing a lot of physical pain that I could not pay attention to the nuances of the movie. I giggled throughout but also feel that it was also serendipitous to my existential reflections and understanding that I need to re-direct my life… for me. I have a new vision and I deserve to be happy. I am. I am focused on what makes me happy. 🙂

Thank you to my friends and family. I could not do this work without you!!!

No one says “change is easy.” For example, I wanted to change my name and thus site name for this WordPress site, but I just changed it back to my work name, “Dr. Christine Ho Younghusband.” I changed my Twitter (aka. X) site back to that name as well as my LinkedIN site. My Facebook and Instagram sites are private and I left the name change to “Christine Leigh” and kept my handles as @christinevleigh. I’m still weighing out both names and changed my “work” media back to the original.

I’ve always struggled with my identity. I never liked my name as a kid and I thought that changing my name when I got married would remedy this hate. Nope. I was wrong. It got more complicated. I think it took me about a decade to get used to “Christine Younghusband” when the decade that preceded that one was spent rebranding myself to be “Chris Ho.” On my graduates degrees, I have the name “Alice Christine Ho Younghusband” and changed to that name at the university.

I guess this is why I am so interested in “identity” as part of my writing. For the last couple of years, I’ve been writing about my ethnic identity and teacher education. One’s identity is one that is negotiated with self and the environment. I have been in the struggle and continues to be. That said, I am a firm believer of serendipity. I am interested and curious about my identity and how identities are developed. We have more than one identity. I am looking at teacher and ethnic identities.

After a whirlwind of events over the last 2-weeks that ranged from health issues, knowledge dissemination opportunities, and relationships, I am learning that I need to focus on myself and my needs. One person called it “being selfish” which I don’t disagree with, but being selfish not at the expense of others. What I have been doing was helping others, which was my why, but it was at the expense of me. I have rewritten my why statement and I am taking the steps to focus on me.

Change is traumatic, but what I am learning is, I was a victim of trauma. I learned that I was living a life of a “model minority.” What the??? I had no idea. When I was chatting with a friend, she said… do you believe that if you work hard that you will be rewarded or shoulder tapped? I said yes. She said, you’re wrong. That’s not how the real-world works. Damn. Then my brain zipped into the canneries, the railway, and the gold rush. The Chinese immigrant did not fair well in these situations.

HUH.

I have been in deep reflection and I am transforming. I am learning how to shift my mindset, focus on what I can control, and prioritizing myself in my work and life. Today, for example, I spent my work day at the local Starbucks to work and write. I love this working environment and a friend suggested to me last year to go to a local coffee shop and write. I went to Starbucks when I had to meet people, but this was the first time I went there to write, think, and reflect. It was awesome.

I need to remember this moment and go back to Starbucks to write again. I love the environment. There is food and drinks to purchase and consume. Refills is a thing. And, I was productive. My productivity is in my control and research is “me time.” I am embracing my research agenda and I am grateful that the “Scholarship of Teaching” is focused on my practice. I love having a reflective practice. And, I’m grateful that my writing/research integrates my reflective practice and teaching.

One step at a time…

Friday, July 21, 2023 – A Site Name Change

A series of events have led to this wonderful moment… a site name change. It’s the first day of many and I started the next chapter of my life with an application to change my name,. There will be a tonne of things to change to establish my new name but the application and changing social media feeds is a start. As I look back at my life, I am struck by what was needed to implement any personal change.

Every situation needed a catalyst. Gosh, I love that word as a Chemistry major. According to Google, a catalyst is: (1) a substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change; or (2) a person or thing that precipitates an event. A quick change without being consumed… is brilliant. So when I think about GRATITUDE, I needed a catalyst.

Over a yummy bowl of pho, my kid and I were chatting and before I knew it, she started the name change process. In an instant, I wanted to do the same. I mulled over changing my name and the work required to do it, but it seemed obvious when my kid took the first step. Before my afternoon meeting, I doodled the possibility (singular) and I was convinced. This new name is the name for me.

The history of my name is somewhat annoying and I never really liked my name. I understand that other people have a similar experience. For example, my middle name is my given name. It bothered me since I could remember to be called by my first name. A half a century later, it still does not feel right. “Alice.” Ugh. It’s not right even though my first name sounds beautiful and dreamy in Italian. LOL.

I was also not a fan of my last name (or maiden name). “Ho.” Yes, it’s my family name and it’s also the worst teacher’s name (particularly when it was popular in Saturday Night Live). I think my feelings for my last name is conflated with my experience being a second-generation Chinese Canadian and never feeling comfortable with “oriental” and any racial slurs that were hurtful and gross.

Of course, I got married and adopted the name of my husband. “Younghusband.” No, he’s not young anymore. LOL. It took a long time to shift from “Chris Ho” to “Christine Younghusband.” 18-years later, I was separated and deliberated going back to my maiden name. It seemed like a viable decision at the time to combine my names. “Ho Younghusband.” It took time to adopt, but it was not quite right.

I reached a tipping point and voila… my new name (unofficial). “Christine Vivien Leigh.” Vivien is my mom. She named herself after the actress, Vivien Leigh, when she came to Canada. Leigh will be my daughter’s new last name. We will share the same last name. Having our last names the same is very important to me. So, I delved in and my friend encouraged me to change my name on social media.

Weirdly, changing my name on my social media feeds was scary, and I changed my handles as well. I thought the next natural step was change the site name of my portfolio. I am no longer married, my daughter is growing up, and it’s time to live the last chapter of my life for me. I had a few tough lessons and critical friends and mentors who are helping me to move in a direction that is authentic to who I am.

“Dr. Christine Leigh.” It’s a new path. I only have gratitude to those who have motivated me to take this new path and providing more clarity for me to see what’s really important to me and what’s possible. I am very excited for the next chapter and I am prepared for the turbulence, the joy, and the unexpected. I cannot imagine a better way. The identity & integrity of a teacher… here I am.

I’ve decided to return back to my original modality of blogging which is writing when I’m inspired. Thunder is roaring in the background. We almost lost power (and my kid just informed me that the power went out just down the street). The lightning is fierce and metaphorically and serendipitously, it’s time to write.

I started blogging more than 10-years ago as a means to improve my writing skills. Admittedly, English as a subject area has not been my strongest and I am very self-conscious of my reading skills and writing skills. It’s hard to believe that I have completed a dissertation for my doctorate degree, but I had to learn how to write.

Hmm… What a wonderful story to return back to. I was so fearful to show this “stretch” to others that I had only “exposed” my writing skills to those I trusted. Due to my lack of trust in myself and my skills, it was really difficult to ask for help. I feel blessed to have a MEd classmate and colleague who was willing to help me.

It was blood, sweat, and tears. English is my first language, but I did not realize the impact of English as a second dialect. I had to learn how to write. I had to learn about ideas like parallelism. All that I remember from high school English were run-on sentences and fragments. “Read your paper out loud to edit your paper.”

Honestly, that advice did not help me. I tried, but it sounded ok to me. Even in first year university I took a “how to pass the ECT” continuing education course to learn “how to do English.” Remembering and sharing this information about me is humbling and yet I am reminded of the importance of asking for help and learning.

Learning is not easy. It’s not suppose to be in some ways. The more work invested, at least for me, equated to the worthwhileness of the learning. I became a high school math and science teacher for a reason and most of my career was in math. When I could see the connection between math and English, magic happened.

The writing process helps me to think out ideas to sense-make what is ruminating in my mind. I appreciate the writing process (as well as doodling) to create or sort out ideas. So, in this blog post, I am realizing that it’s time for change. Ask for help. And lean on and listen to critical friends who hold space for you. I feel very lucky.