Week 158 – March 27, 2023 – Feeling Good About Myself

Wow. It’s taken me some time… A LONG TIME… to feel the way that I do. I wonder if I have finally arrived in MIDDLE ADULTHOOD. According to the textbook I’m reading for my Human Development course, I’m halfway through this stage in my lifespan. OY. It’s tough to imagine that it’s taken all of this time to good about who I am. I don’t have to worry about what others think of me and what matters is me.

This way of being is not about narcissism or egocentrism, it’s about understanding who I am and what’s important to me. It’s taken about 158 weeks of the pandemic. Can you believe that? I’ve been carrying a weekly blog ever since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic in my previous website which start with something that brought a smile to myself with my #pandemicreflections. Who knew it could be?

And yes, I’m late with this blog post as I have tried to keep to a routine of reflecting on the weekend, typically on Saturdays. Of course, time when I would write would vary from week to week. This weekend had some defining moments that led to a slight delay on this week’s #pandemicreflection. Good thing that I have developed forgiveness, grace, self-care, and compassion for self and others. Yay. It’s all good.

I do believe in serendipity or maybe it’s more about self-awareness and listening. Things happen for a reason and I believe that it’s our responsibility to learn from those situations. I will admit, I have not been very good at this. I am learning and getting better at responding to situations. On Friday, I fell on my chest while sweeping a rock during my last curling game of the season. It didn’t bother me.

This fall was a TSN Turning Point and something to notice. Aside from being out of shape and feeling the aches and pains of being my age (aka. Middle Adulthood), I lost my footing, slipped, and fell in front of my team, the opponents, and others who were curling. Honestly, it was funny. I joked about it. I appreciated everyone’s concern and care, but I was so grateful for my chest for breaking my fall. LOL.

I had another incident with my kid on Saturday with my kid that triggered me to stand up for myself, value myself, and use my words and actions to create a clear boundary that honours myself. These actions and the why behind these actions were huge for me. I love my kid to bits, but I cannot “give myself away” anymore. I’ve been doing that for most of my life. She is an adult. We are both adjusting.

After dinner and walk that night with a friend and couple of other conversations that day, I was stoked to approach an application for tenure track and taking the process with a learning mindset. As mentioned in the last few blog posts, I’ve been in a place of uncertainty, second-guessing, and discomfort. I understand now that I was in a fixed mindset and too focused on the outcome. Now, I’m ready to learn.

I need to invest the time in me. As a mentor once said to me, “be selfish.” Although I do good work for others and in service to others, not much of what I do is for me. At some level, it is for me because I am in the service to those in my classes or one’s I am supervising, and I do take great joy in creating learning opportunities for others to thrive, learn, and enjoy. But, I need to do the same thing for ME. 🙂

And yes, I started working on my CV… finally. I am learning a tonne. I am googling online about academic CV’s and I am learning and deciding what I need to do to adapt what I have already. It’s been fun to review some my accomplishments over the last 15-years but also finding errors in the CV that I was maintaining to keep track of what I am doing as part of my annual PAR (professional activity report).

I’ve been working on my CV from 10pm to 6am and Saturday night (my tiger time and more) and all day on Sunday. Whew. I’m still working on it and it’s been fun. Gosh. The learning mindset is transformational. Although I am working on a task that I was resisting and dreading for quite some time, I love what I am learning and starting to understand some nuances of higher education but also my strengths.

Although I am applying for one job as part of my pathway towards MY DREAM, I know that working on my CV, cover letter, and teaching/research statement is an opportunity to learn, grow, and reflect on my practice. It keeps me updated and it prepares me for the next advertisement that is of “good fit” for me. It’s not the other way around. I love looking at my research program and I’m feeling excited.

I am proud of who I am. No regrets. This pedagogical journey is about learning more about myself and accepting who I am. I have arrived. I feel that the few “tests” this weekend has proven to me that I’m ready. I am my full self. I am not “perfect” but I am the “perfect me.” This is who I am. I don’t want to forget to mention the conversations I had on Thursday that led me to where I am today.

My life is good. Very good. I have nothing (really) to complain about. This might be the Middle Adulthood way of being. I have landed on my name as well. It will be “Christine Ho Younghusband.” I will maintain all of the permutations with my first name “Alice” and I acknowledge that my name (as much as I hated it and struggled with it) has been a integral part of my journey. I’m keeping it. It’s part of my story.

Look at me… arrival… feels great and a smooth landing. Now… back to my CV.