Week 157 – March 18, 2023 – There are no short cuts.

I need to return back to my EDUC 633 reflections. I’m a few weeks behind. I don’t think that’s a problem, but I make these promises and I want to keep them. I had a moment thinking that I could blend my Human Development reflections with my weekly pandemic reflections, but I found myself in cognitive paralysis. Not helpful. Maybe this is a classic characteristic of being a LIBRA. I’m trying to find a balance with all that is on my plate and I just have to jump in with two feet and do it all.

Let’s return back to my self-study question: How can I be more humanistic in my teaching practice? It’s something like that. I have realized during class this week that I am engaged in all parts of Spiral of Inquiry: Scanning, Focussing, Developing a Hunch, Learning, Taking Action, and Checking. At first, I was scanning with my practice and making a change of who I am as an educator and finding myself again after several major life events. Apparently, identity development is ongoing.

Thank goodness. My life was relatively turbulent over the last few years and the pandemic served a purpose of slowing down and identifying what was important to me. As I read about MIDDLE ADULTHOOD (my current age range), it claims that midlife crisis does not exist, with exception to a study looking at white males who could not live up to “the dream” and physical and mental peaks are declining. I would say I’m part of the 23% who experienced a midlife crisis or unraveling.

My fluid intelligence may be getting a bit slower and my crystallized intelligence is improving over time. My “middle aged brain” is more calm and attempts to deal with my emotions and social interactions more better. LOL. I depend on my tacit knowledge and although I have not returned back to higher education formally as a student, as an academic I’ve realized recently that I get paid to be a learner. I was struck in the ADOLESCENCE chapter that compared growth and fixed mindsets.

I teach in teacher education and speak to growth and fixed mindsets conceptually. Carol Dueck made a distinction between the two but in this chapter it also talked about “performance goals” versus “learning goals” and saying that performance goals represent the fixed mindset. I was jostled and can see that this is true. Performance goals is about seeking approval, worrying about people’s judgement of you, and setting limiting targets. I need to focus on a LEARNER’S MINDSET.

From scanning and looking at my practice with hopes of bringing humanity into schools, the reading from the INFANCY and FAMILY chapters led me to focus on “belonging, acceptance, and authenticity.” My early understandings of being a second generation Chinese Canadian, I grew up trying to achieve the identity of a “white man” while assimilation, marginalization, and racism were social norms. I lived most of my life protecting myself and pretending to be someone I was not.

From the MIDDLE CHILDHOOD chapter, I was drawn to the ideas of PLAY and sense-making. I was left wondering about the role of play in teaching and learning but also for developing social norms and sense of self. Play can bring a child a sense of efficacy and confidence as they start to develop who they are. Also, the topics of gender identity and sexual identity helped me to realize that to bring COMPASSION to my practice, I need to continue to learn more about humanity.

The ADOLESCENCE chapter looked at identity development as well as EARLY ADULTHOOD. I look back at myself to realize that developing my ethnic identity was almost absent. I was too busy looking at “performance goals” to please my parents, to seek approval, and to become the ideal “successful white man” or achieve “the dream.” Hmm… this self-study is coming together. I could relate to the “emerging adult” with my daughter, but now I can see my fixed mindset on me.

My HUNCH connects to my another study I am working on adjacent to this one which is looking at my ethnic identity, decolonization, and being an educator. My hunch is, my busyness of becoming a very privileged setter on the stolen lands of the Lheidli T’enneh, shishalh nation, and Ts’msyen Peoples. I could not be my true self. I was not 100% authentic, wholehearted, or vulnerable with myself or my practice. Play was difficult for me. Trust is something I am always struggling with.

Sigh. That was tough to write, but it’s true. I catch myself in this fixed mindset and always attempt to move towards the growth mindset. I am LEARNING about Human Development, but I am also learning about how to be open, vulnerable, and playful. Making mistakes is OK (at least, that’s what I tell myself), taking risks and trying something new, and having tough (or truthful) conversations with my learners is important to me (and hopefully for them too). I’m not hiding anymore.

Reading through the EARLY ADULTHOOD chapter was somewhat difficult for me. Aside from learning that my child will shift from “emerging adult” to adulthood when she realizes her independence, the other topics endured in the middle adulthood are ones that I wanted to overlook and ignore. LOL. Divorce, family, and figuring out what you want to do with you life are all resonant with me and I spent the last 3-decades wrestling through that angst and the insincerity of success.

So, I’m TAKING ACTION. In my practice (this term and last), I am taking the risk of being myself, designing learning opportunities that are aligned to my philosophy and pedagogical stance, and acting in ways that are wholehearted and vulnerable. I am trying to be true to myself in my practice, not just in the classroom, but also valuing myself as a person (and professor). I feel so fortunate and thankful for the students, colleagues, friends, and family who are helping me to walk this new path.

I am learning lots and I am brought back to the MIDDLE ADULTHOOD chapter (where I am today), my “creativity” while I develop my expertise, motivation, and cognition. The textbook says, “Franken (2001) defines creativity as “the tendency to generate or recognize ideas, alternatives, or possibilities that may be useful in solving problems… and entertaining ourselves and others.”  I never imagined myself to be a writer (dare I say, researcher) after teaching high school math.

Dang. As you can see, I am trying to catch up on all of my reflections over the last few week in Human Development and my self-study, but as I read through the MIDDLE ADULTHOOD chapter, the topic talking about “expertise” resonates with me as it is something I wrote about in my dissertation with respect to deliberate practice, subject matter acquisition, and teaching out-of-field. I am also brought to my favourite metaphor for life, learning, and leadership, which is CURLING.

Experts are more intuitive, automatic, strategic, and flexible. Expertise takes time to develop and I can see that in my career in curling, but also in teaching. It’s strange to be learning all over again in a (relatively) new career in higher education. I am learning but I am also using my expertise as context. Shifting my mindset back to LEARNING, I have job satisfaction and I remain humble. I’ve experienced burn-out and job discontent. I know now that I’m in the right place.

I will end this VERY LONG blog post with a recent aha and joyful serendipity. I am listening to a new (to me) podcast, ARM CHAIR EXPERT. I just love it. I don’t know why I do, but I would call myself an “arm chairee.” I wake up to this podcast, go to bed listening to this podcast, or have it on while walking. Most times, I’m giggling. Out of curiosity, I looked up it’s website and says this podcast “celebrates the messiness of being human.” It made me smile. Yes it does. Thank you, always.