December 23, 2023 – The Good and the Bad

What can I say… might as well end this year’s weekly blog posts with a selfie by the ocean. Seems fitting. I might have one more blog post before the actual year ends but I’m anticipating that might be a new year’s blog post or I’m MIA. Who knows? The last 5-years has been a whirlwind of a journey to say the least. Lots of changes. And, I end this year having a conversation with a colleague/friend who made note of my age. Yeesh. Frightening. I feel like I’m in my 30’s but I’m nowhere close. What a rude awakening. That said, I appreciate the truth-telling. I am more open to the truth as of late. I think it’s because I am closer to who I am than I’ve ever been.

The reality of my age came to fruition when I was waiting in line at the medical clinic and listening to the birthdates of folks. Hmm… folks around my age do not look like me (or I don’t look like them) but it was an awakening of becoming more aware of my next steps in my career and life. In January, I officially became a single mom. In April, I traveled to Italy with 2 of my friends (my first trip without family). In August, I got into a car accident with a deer on the highway. In October, one of my good friends was diagnosed with a life changing condition. In December, I find myself living with INTENTIONAL YOLO and GRATITUDE for what life brings.

Admittedly, the year has not been a smooth journey and I have learned a tonne about myself. I am proud to submit a paper with a former teacher candidate (now colleague and friend) a paper about being a second-generation Asian Canadian, identity, and third spaces. The journey from start to end took about 3-years to complete but we were able to collaborate and create a paper that has helped both of us to practice in our work with confidence and efficacy that is true to ourselves. There is something to be said about self-knowledge. Thank you Parker Palmer.

I have also learned (from different situations and experiences) that I am a person who has experienced trauma. If I had to be honest with myself, this is true. I was told by a few people that my behaviour is of a person of trauma. ((deep breath)). And, I’ve lived most of my life as a “model minority” and the real-world does not work that way. No wonder my friends and family worry for me. Finally, my friend called me on doing/knowing what’s important to me. I was shocked, but she was right. What’s really important to me? I’ve been trying to do what’s right (for me).

It’s so easy to focus on the “negative things” (at least for me) but what I have been learning is, I can’t control anything that’s around me. I can’t control what people think of me and I can’t control what people do to me. What I can control is how I react or respond. I can control my thoughts and beliefs. I can control what I do. Admittedly, I had my best teacher year this year (well, it got better over time the closer I got to understand who I am and what I believe in). My teaching almost feels as good as it was when I was teaching high school math in public schools.

I’m still trying to figure things out and where I want to go and where I want to be. What I do know for sure is, I am exactly where I need to be (right now). I’m in the right place and right time to learn more about myself, slow down, and do what makes me happy. The interesting part is, I’m learning more about my research and writing. Identity seems to be a new direction but also I’m reigniting my love and relationship to my doctoral work and dissertation. I am getting excited and my efficacy for research and my writing is developing over time. I am happy. 🙂