January 1, 2024 – Happy New Year

Hello new year… and new start. Feels great!! It’s one of these “traditions” that I have endured for over half a century (yes… I’m becoming one with my age) and I have a new mindset from this wonderful journey called life. Of course, I’ve called this MY PEDAGOGICAL JOURNEY over the last 10+ years since leaving K-12 education as a secondary mathematics teacher and making sense of my career. What I have learned is, even though I was looking through the lens of my career, I was really examining myself and my values. I am acquiring SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

I know that my (academic) “boy friend” Parker Palmer and his work with the Identity and Integrity of a Teacher resonates with me so deeply because I feel that’s what we all need to be striving for. Every year when I read parts of Chapters 1 & 5 of The Courage to Teach I learn something new. Sometimes I think it’s about “readiness” but I am always struck by the narrative of the two professors and how they pursued their careers in academia. One person focused on “fitting in” and the other person integrated his passion (for woodwork) into his teaching practice.

What a wonderful aha. Which professor do I want to be? For a long time I thought that “fitting in” was important (and required of me) to be a “team member” or to belong to a group. In return, I believed that I would be “rewarded” or recognized for this sacrifice. Hmm… I was wrong. To fit in, in the end, becomes an expectation, which is problematic. I am reminded by Brené Brown’s work in “Braving the Wilderness” with respect to belonging and betrayal. To fit in would often involve compromising one’s values and beliefs (i.e., putting yourself aside) to “belong.”

So, when I think about the two professors in Palmer’s (1997) narrative, I was living the life of one of the one who wanted to fit in, but I am certain that I want to be the one that is authentic and truthful to myself (and not worry about the perceptions of others). Palmer (1997) talks about having knowledge of the subject matter, of the students, and of the self. I feel that I have landed. I left teaching K-12 in 2010 because my heart and spirit were broken. I felt misaligned to the system. Ironically, my teaching practice was very aligned to who I was as a person and practitioner.

In 2023, I made a commitment to be more authentic to who I am in my practice. I wanted to approach my practice with honesty, integrity, and trust. To do so, you have to be vulnerable and take risks that may not be widely practiced by others in the system. I wanted to be the learner. I wanted to try new things even though it would not be perfect. I wanted to make connections with the community. I felt that I had accomplished that and by the last semester felt that I was teaching in the same flow when I left teaching. In my practice, I felt very aligned to who I am.

Although this perceived alignment was not aligned to others (in the system), I am learning more about my practice and what feels good to me as a practitioner and to model this learning to my students. Learning, teaching, and leading in the field of education is an act of vulnerability. Having the courage to risk-take, innovate, and speak truth require vulnerability. Sadly, a natural consequence to this work is push-back. Sometimes this push-back (hopefully shared as formative feedback) is not pleasant due to fear. This fear can be experiences by the receiver and myself.

I have also learned in 2023 is, I cannot control my environment. I can only control myself. I have been practicing this understanding throughout the year to let go and to sense-make what does it mean to lead from within (and be true to myself). If I am critically reflecting on the year, despite mixed outcomes, I am learning that I feel so much better about my practice, the profession, and myself when I am true to myself. It’s not about pleasing others or being “liked” but it’s about doing good work by sticking to my values and beliefs staying true to my identity and integrity.

My resolution for 2024 is STAY THE COURSE, be patient, and trust the process. I am listening to myself and my intuition. I need to act in a truthful and authentic way with myself and others. And, kindness and compassion will be at the heart of my work. I will not be driven by fear. I am driven by love, joy, and happiness. If I cannot achieve love, joy or happiness in the work (or play) that I do, I’m not doing it. Sounds mildly dramatic, but its become a boundary for me. I will challenge myself and take the risks that explores my “stretches” through my “strengths.”

I look forward to 2024. Although most of this blog post focused on teaching, I am also focused on my research, service, and self-care. I am reacquainting myself with my dissertation and my original research with a new lens and new mindset. I have intentions to replicate my study, but also explore math efficacy, teacher efficacy, and identity. I am planning to design a research program that is centred around identity and identity development. This year I co-wrote a program evaluation on ethnic identity as a second-generation Asian-Canadian educator in BC schools.

We have different identities depending on the context. I saw a connection with identity and my doctoral work on out-of-field teaching in mathematics education. Anyway, this might be another blog post, but I am very excited to focus on that work in addition to teacher agency in climate education in teacher education and possibly a self-study on being a second-generation Chinese-Canadian in northern BC. If anything, I will be engaging in ethics and applying for grants. I can do this!! There is so much I want to do and learn, and I am READY to jump in right now.

Even when life challenges us, it’s a gift beyond all measure.

Parker palmer