Learning on the land – Lheidli T’enneh Memorial Park and the Fraser River

January 29, 2023 – Staying Curious

Listening. Patience. Vulnerability.

I’m starting to believe that this self-study using the Spirals of Inquiry with respect to myself as an educator and Human Development has been challenging to say the least. The idea and concept are thought provoking and wholehearted in nature, but I am finding it to be very difficult when the text chosen for my course lacks local BC or Canadian context. The voice and tone are less than appealing, and I find it hard to believe that this book was peer-reviewed many times. Is it being judgemental or am I critically thinking? There is a blurred line between the two.

In the end, I could not and cannot sustain a class that is weighed down heavily by the quality of the textbook, even though the intention is more about what information is useful for the self-study guiding question versus critiquing the book. I thought about changing the text or finding a new textbook for others. I opted to give the class choice and I was not the one going to choose that for them. Was this a wise choice? I’m not sure, but I was not going to act like I knew better. They are the experts and my job is to find a way to make the course meaningful.

Last week weighed very heavy on me. I want to be responsive and reflexive to the students in my graduate and undergraduate classes. The difference between the two classes is the relationship I have with the students. Some students I taught last semester and some students are new to me. Admittedly, the teaching load is heavy, particularly when I am concerned about “what it means to be human” in the classes I teach, but also “what it means to be human” as the educator. There are two perspectives to consider with my guiding question… me and the students.

I am also considering the SCAN with respect to the past and present. I think about my formative years as a young child and being the third child of three and I am a twin. My parents were immigrants to Canada and I was born in Canada with my brother. I learned as an adult that my dad did not feel “loved” as the first child and boy of his family and he went “out of his way” to put my twin brother on a pedestal throughout my whole life. I remember at times as a kid when he would introduce my brother to his friends, but not me. The irony is, my brother hated the attention. Yet, he was loved by community members who would just give him free things.

No chip on my shoulder. My twin brother and I are exact opposites, not just by gender. It’s almost like yin and yang. We are more like complements versus alike. After the readings of Chapter 2 and 3, what resonated with me the most was being a fraternal twin, the role of culture, and being raised in a society where my parents wanted to belong and give me a good life such that I lost most of my cultural identity as a Cantonese woman and assimilated into Canadian culture. These are my formative years. I don’t speak Cantonese, nor understand it.

I think about the Indigenous Peoples in Canada who are desperate to learn and retain their language, the land, and cultural traditions and ways of being. These elements are part of their identity. I empathize. I don’t have any of those things as a second-generation Chinese Canadian, yet I was subjected to racism as a child and continue to be as an adult through systemic ways and micro-aggressions. I am more aware of these behaviours as an adult and after George Floyd’s death. I spent most of my life trying to “fit in” and do what I thought I was suppose to do.

For these reasons, understanding humanity in my practice as an educator is important to me. What I am understanding is, many of the core beliefs I’ve held and currently hold stem from when I was born or possibly even before that. The idea of “nature versus nurture” is something to consider as I am aware that I am a product of Canadian policy of cultural erasure, much like the Indigenous Peoples. The only difference is, my parents and society assimilated me to who I am today. For a long time, I thought as was a male farmer from Saskatchewan in a past life.

My mom passed away in 2018 and I really didn’t get to know her, her values, or even her life before coming to Canada until her last few weeks of life. She never shared any stories about herself while she and I were alive together. If there was an opportune time to do so, she would stop herself from sharing almost like it was not worthwhile sharing. I was not sure if it was shame or if she did not want to burden us with her stories. All I know now is, I want to know more so that I can know more about who I am. My dad did write an autobiography but apparently most of it is not true. Sadly, of this huge book, by siblings and I took up 3 pages.

I digress.

I enter 2023, celebrating Chinese New Year and the Year of the Rabbit, hunting all over Prince George for a good dumpling. I was so desperate to find Chinese food that reminded me of my mom and my culture. I spent the whole last year looking for Chinese food in Prince George. There is some, but nothing like what my mom made or what we ate in Vancouver, Burnaby, and Richmond. I was so driven to find a good dumpling and imagined my mom over 50-years ago doing the same thing. I’m sure there was nothing in Prince Rupert in the 1970’s and 80’s. She just had to make it, which my kid did for me on Chinese New Year’s. She made me lo bok go.

I wonder about the association of food with one’s memories, identities, and human development. Chinese food is my only association with my mom and my cultural identity. Going back to my inquiry question, I spent most of my life being someone who I was not, being compliant, and following rules that made no sense to me. As a result, I felt like I had to disassociate with myself, abandon who I was, and betray myself and my values to “get ahead” in the world to prove my worth to others.

This understanding is learned. I am curious with respect to human development how I learned this way of being and why I am willing at this stage of life to abandon the “rat race” of life and just do what’s right for me and the people I serve. Why do I feel like in mid to late adulthood that “getting ahead” does not matter to me. I understand now that I am going to make an impression whether if I try or not. I am also understanding in this stage of my life that I rather be true to myself and as a natural consequence, things may not go my way and that I may not please others.

I will remain curious in the Human Development course and Inquiry course as a learner and educator. I am also committed to a weekly blog to reflect on the readings and on my guiding question of becoming more human in my practice. I begin to question why I was the way I was, how I’ve developed, and the power of policy and practice to one’s way of being. I conclude this blog post with my big aha after last week’s class on influence of the economy and societal values of “what is normal” and “what is desirable.” It was definitely called to question during class.